If you haven’t been paying attention, crypto is no longer for drug dealers and men who have had their hard drives confiscated. It’s a brave new world and the gate to the arsehole farm has well and truly been left swinging open. 

Investment advice – you can’t just wait around for Elon Musk to get bored. You have to delve into the cretinous world of crypto traders to get hot tips from usernames such as “cyrptofgt69”, “dogeStyle” or “bigdickMAXIMALIST”. Alternatively, from the drunkest underground miner in the wet mess. 

You can find these odd units on Twitter & Telegram. Sure, telling a financial advisor that you invested $1000 off the back of an anonymous assurance that the coin will “moon” would give them a heart attack. Then again, they drive a Camry and you’ll be driving a Lambo soon. 

Keep the fantasy going – it’s important to tell everyone you meet about the legendary stories of people you don’t know making millions of dollars in crypto. This is because you know two things about crypto.

Firstly, that all these stories are true and secondly, that you are definitely going to become one of them. If you don’t keep the fantasy alive then your dreams will become buried under a ton of pressing concerns. Such as, “is a 100% dump on my latest coin really that bad?”

Bitcoin is for losers – some see major brokers viewing BitCoin as a viable safe haven for investments as a good thing. Accordingly, it’s nowhere near volatile enough for you to want to throw your hard earned cash at. 

You know your true salvation lies in alt coins such as DogeCoin, or preferably something even more obscure. Basically, just imagine the grimace on Warren Buffet’s face if he heard the name of it – that’s your meter for success. 

Manage your expectations – if you wanted to get 25%, 50% or even 100% returns like some boomer stonk loser then you’d waste your time on the ASX. In the fast paced world of shitcoins you must convince yourself that anything less than a 10,000% return is not worth your time. 

Sure you lucked out on 10 coins you invested in but you only need one to pump and you’re back in the game. Think of yourself like a sleazebag at a nightclub – it’s all a numbers game. 

Getting scammed – who would’ve thought the largely anonymous world of crypto could lend itself to scams. Who would’ve thought sending $2000 to a @realBillGates account after a promise to triple your investment would end up fruitless. Alternatively, you got schooled by the harsh world of defi – decentralised finance.

Don’t beat yourself up too much. There are people who actually send money to “Nigerian Princes” so you’ll always have plenty of company in dumbcunt-town. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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