Lifesavers Commence Aerial Patrols After Reports Of Blowies Terrorising Perth Toes At Local Beaches

Lifesavers WA has requested special funding from the Government to expand their patrols to identify hotbeds of agitated blowies defending their eggs in the shallows of Perth’s beaches. 

Cowards all across the City have reported vicious nibbling on their toes as they attempt to enjoy the sun & surf at Perth beaches. Judging by the carry-on from victims, the attacks are infinitely more terrifying than what a shark could deal out. A spokesperson from Lifesavers WA told The Times,

“Toe-seeking blowies are the true threat lurking in the surf. If you look at the bite-to-encounter ratio they are far more dangerous than sharks. We want regular drone and helicopter patrols to help Perth residents escape the horrors of getting a toe nipped”

We spoke to Emily, a mother of 2 who said the patrols couldn’t come faster enough. Retelling her harrowing experience,

“I was enjoying a dip with my kids and suddenly I heard a bone-chilling shriek. Then the water just filled with skin flakes. We didn’t know what was attacking us but they were really having a go at our toes. We are lucky to be alive”

Similarly, Johnno had his pinky toe savaged while trying to slip out a cheeky piss while off his face yesterday. He said the shock of the bite made him panic and expose himself to his mate’s wife. He told The Times,

“Me mate reckons I flashed his misso but it was that little cuntfish biting me. I’m taking a gidgee down tomorrow to get some revenge”

Marine biologists are however calling for calm. Telling the public that the nesting season will be over soon and quite frankly to enjoy a cup of concrete. An expert told The Times,

“Women pay hundreds of bucks for fish to eat all the dry skin cells off their feet in beauty salons and they are whinging they are getting the service for free? A blowie bite really doesn’t hurt he’s just telling you to jog on”

We understand Channel 7 has sent every available news team they have to cover the blowie attacks. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water huh?

More beach NEWS: WA Man Outdoes “Cabana Families” At Beach By Erecting Full Donga Camp 

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