BREAKING: Local Dan Murphy’s worker’s spirit

There are essentially two days of the year when your average Dan Murphy’s worker feels like the Bunbury Farmers Market attendant. Xmas Eve and today.

A little visit to any of the stores would alert you to the fact that someone left the gate open at the cuntfarm. Something you don’t need to tell the workers at the coalface twice.

We spoke to an Uncle Dan’s employee who had just enjoyed several hours of chaotic scenes and customers who make dung-flinging monkeys look like civilised societal participants. He told The Times,

“I told myself this morning that I wouldn’t let the hordes beat me. Well, they have. My spirit is broken and now all I can think about is the guy who had a some obscure coupon from 2019 demanding to speak to my manager”

While interviewing the shell of a man, we saw a lady flap her bingo wings while gobbling in an enraged fashion about the only Presseco she loves being sold out.

Her musk was strong in the air, her shrieks were hideous but the staff around her could do little else but stare blankly. They also have had their spirits broken.

We spoke to another worker who was busy indulging a customer who wanted a “colder” carton. A standard that was seemingly unattainable. He told The Times,

“Man, all I want for Easter is for this guy to leave me alone. I keep telling him all the cartons have been in here for the same time, they’re on the same bloody palette but he says he disagrees”

With several more hours to go, it’s unlikely any of the workers will claw back any will to live any time soon.

We thank you for your sacrifice.

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