1. Geraldton v Boardshort ban – ScoMo did the unimaginable, he declared that boardshorts and thongs were banned from citizenship ceremonies on Australia Day. Little did he know that boardshorts aren’t just formal wear in Gero, they are a lifestyle. The Mayor didn’t take the ban laying down and took the fight right to the PM #yew.
2. Baldivis sinks lower in our hearts & minds – on the 2nd February, the great Baldivis sinkhole appeared at Stockland shopping centre like a formidable gape on the aresehole of Perth. Although a nightmare for the centre, it was a met with respect from the Baldivis community; many paying their respects to the great hole with an offering of a discarded trolley.
3. Perf loses the Blockbuster battle – Morley’s unmatched ability to hold onto the past almost made Perth a world champion. By the time Blockbuster Morley closed in March 2019 it was one of 2 in the entire world – the other in Oregon. Of course, with pain comes relief as an entire suburb sighed in relief knowing the hard knock for their 15-year overdue copy of Tekken was never going to come now.
4. Shit gets real in Dalkeith – in April we found out a Dalkeith mummy had been charged for assault for an incident in March. This was an absolute masterclass is pointless elite suburb bullshit. As the story goes, a 3 way mummy war broke out after an argument over a child destroying another child’s sandcastle – which ultimately resulted in a slapping. Hell hath no fury like an entitled mother challenged.
5. Perth gets voted best airport in Australia – many people were left scratching their heads when the ACCC (and airhelp.com) voted Perth Airport the best in Australia. This Red Roosterless wasteland somehow topped the lot and made many people ask the ACCC regulators to blink if they were being held captive by Tourism WA.
6. Scotch College go full triangle – this fuckery. At first glance you hope this is some kind of photoshop wizardry, alas, this is what Scotch went with. This is an all you can eat buffet of smug but perhaps the worst of it is the fact no one in the triangle would ever consider thinking outside of it. Inter-generational superiority will never yield to a fucking billboard.
7. Perf scores an own goal – In July, Manchester United played in Perth and clearly Perth was unable to keep its tongue out of their holes. So someone made the famous blue boathouse red. Keyword – famous. What they ultimately achieved is a bunch of pissed off brides who had flown from as far as China to get their wedding photos at the iconic blue landmark. Noice.
8. Meth Zombies – admittedly, Perth is never far from a headline involving ice. Nevertheless, the opposition leader did her best to put the final nail in our tourism coffin by declaring the city overridden by meth zombies.
9. Perth City2Surf gets excited – this is the logo that was printed on some City2Surf shirts/singlets for the event. No one is sure how this drawing got the green light, however, it is speculated it’s just an accurate representation of the state of a participant when they post their 4 selfies for the day.
10. Great Perf BASE Jump – certainly provided a little excitement for our sleepy City. A couple of lads dressed as businessmen, walked straight past security and jumped off the Exchange Tower. They landed safely but were eventually tracked down and charged. Strong yew.
11. Rapture Nightclub – Perf is no stranger to hospitality venues shitting the bed in the PR game; The Brass Monkey’s regrettable “frat party”, Amplifier’s tight shirt clusterfuck, etc. However, the owner of Rapture took the crown in October when he posed the now infamous question, “are you worth someone trying to spike your drink?” It was a bold strategy and it didn’t pay off for him.
12. Cockburn finally removes the creepy faces – finally, the people living around Cockburn Central were able to sleep easy without the unsettling gaze of the North Korean-esque faces. Naturally, the public fancied a replacement Perthonality – the spud king.
13. Langley Park swingers club – Perth made international headlines once again when a video of a very public root emerged from Langley Park. Naturally, it was panned as a disgrace but who among us hasn’t done the no-pants dance in broad daylight in a crowded park? Political correctness gone mad.
14. Iconic – we managed to finish the year with this iconic image. A very WA way to help the firefighters.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?