Life Hasn’t Really Gone the Way You Hoped

They say that life is like a box of Cadbury Favourites: somebody has to be the Moro Bar. Yep, that is probably you. You married an idiot, you managed your money like a bogan at a strip-club and you have the employment prospects of John Wayne Gacy at a Cirque du Soleil audition.

You are EXACTLY the sort of superstar that pyramid selling attracts. Hell, you may even be one? Let’s find out more. 

Your product is a total bag of shit

Actually that is not fair. Even a bag of shit is useful when used to promote growth in agriculture. No, your product is as useful as a pack of condoms at a Young Liberal’s party. 

See, the thing about the free market is that people usually spend their hard earned on things they either want or need. Which category does your sugary weight loss supplements or goat’s cum skin care range fall under? The bin category mate. 

You Have Become Scarily Intense 

At first you play it as cool as Benny Cousins after he’d topped up his phone credit. Just a cheeky 150 Facebook messages, invites and tags to the weaker cash-cows that you can separate from your friendship herd. 

When you notice that these bovine ain’t moo’ing, you transform into the Chopper Read of multi level marketing. A suburban standover mummy that tightens the clamps with the age old tactic of emotional terrorism. 

Are they fat? Call ‘em that. Are they as spotty and pale as a ranga’s shlong? Bring that up. Be ruthless, there is only one Cuntopatra in the game of pyramids. 

La di da di You Like to Party 

Most pyramid selling is done online these days. However, your so called “loved ones” have learned they can block you. What do you do? You go old school and organise a party! What kind of party? An event that makes a lemon party seem sweet, that’s what! (Don’t look that up). 

Once they are in your lair, you will be able to increase your intensity and pressure them into buying a second-rate vibrator or blow their next mortgage repayment on skin masks. 

You Fake It Until You Make It

The only thing more important than success is giving off the appearance of success. To that end, you will likely lease a car you can’t afford and get custom plates which shamelessly plug your shoddy company. 

Apart from the deluded successful lifestyle you portray on social media, you may even get a chance to hold seminars. Where you can life to yourself in front of a pulsating crowd of future leeches in a room that makes the Bull Creek Footy Club look like the Hyatt. 

Who said it wasn’t glamorous at the top?

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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