Suburban dad, Phil has conceded that there is nothing but darkness in his heart when he puts together his dazzling annual light show for Xmas.
While some wish to “spread festive cheer”, Phil is only concerned with making his Xmas light rival look like a massive loser in front of his family. Phil told The Times,
‘If I’m honest I don’t like who I become in December. I’m just filled with hatred, spite & malice, especially when that dickpull puts up another fkn reindeer display on the roof. I am the one who knocks”
Phil had to cut the interview short because he heard a noise and immediately he was posted at his window observing his neighbour’s next move.
After 15 minutes of psychotic surveillance, he returned to tell us that the interview would have to continue in the car because he had to get to Bunnings to buy “more Xmas shit”.
After buying some more lights, Phil randomly burst into a good mood. He had a smile from ear to ear and began cackling. He then told The Times,
“Last Xmas we had a bumper season. Hundreds of people are coming down our street every night. So I waited until 3 am and took out the cunny’s lawn display in my ute before ripping up his lawn ha ha ha”
It seems this act of vandalism filled Phil with the kind of joy one might feel actually gazing upon a Xmas light show.
Back at the house, Phil’s wife said the family was close to declaring bankruptcy over Phil’s Xmas light obsession. She told The Times,
“He was once a happy man but that’s until the local rag featured the neighbour’s display in the paper rather than his. In many ways, he died that day”
To see if this was the norm, we spoke to Phil’s neighbour who conceded that his only wish in life was to see Phil broken. Adding,
“Whenever I see him up on the roof I get the urge to boot his ladder away. These aren’t healthy feelings and I reckon I need help”
Well, there you go.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
