Coldplay fuming as band’s kit stuck somewhere in the Tonkin Highway roadworks void

Coldplay is demanding answers as to where their kit is after landing in Perth early to enjoy a wholesome day out on the Armadale Line (even if less reliable sources have reported they were playing in Jakarta).

A crack team of logistics experts is working to solve the issue but believe that the megaband’s gear is most likely stuck in the heinous Tonkin Highway void of roadworks and broken dreams.

We spoke to the head of the search team who said his team was barely able to penetrate the infrastructure abyss after several hours of attempting to. Adding,

“Our best guess is that the van carrying their equipment is stuck in traffic or on a pointless loop after missing turnoffs and being forced into other turnoffs due to incidents of extreme road rage from dual cab owners. We know the gear is out there but we don’t know where”

Coldplay is understandably nervous. With the expensive gear sitting helplessly in some gridlocked nightmare. However, WA Police have assured the band that it would be no easy target for criminals. A WA Police spokesperson told The Times,

“Criminals looking to take advantage of this opportunity have the same problems the search team has. To find the van would be pure chance. There is no earthly way to locate it. Reception is also pretty bad out that way not that the drivers could describe where they are in the endless void of the bleak homogenous aesthetic”

A source close to the band said that Chris Martin will even consider cancelling the two Perth shows if he doesn’t get his shit back.

It’s clear that the stakes are high so perhaps it’s time Perth stopped mucking about and dedicate the necessary resources to this recovery mission – even if that means sending in Galati. Alas, a main roads expert said it wasn’t a matter of manpower,

“Sometimes I lay in bed wondering if god will ever forgive us for what we have done. Have we created a beast we cannot tame? Oh Christ, everyone stuck in that every day, what have we done, WHAT HAVE WE DONE, MAN?”

We understand that at the time of writing this Twiggy has volunteered to venture into the abyss with promises of a green recovery.

We can only hope he’s successful.

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