DFAT has taken the extraordinary step of issuing a travel warning for school pick-up zones this afternoon after intelligence gathered suggests it will be an absolute shitshow.
The decision was based on the mayhem this morning of full-time mummies descending into a sort of an adult, activewear-clad version of the Lord of the Flies this morning. Clearly, 2 months away from the drop-off routine had tempers flaring.
Typically, DFAT issues travel warnings for overseas locations due to factors such as natural disasters, political unrest, terrorism, and COVID. However, a spokesperson for DFAT told The Bell Tower Times,
“We may have overstepped our jurisdiction but we think it’s important to try and educate as many citizens of WA as possible to keep a wide berth from any school pick-up zone this afternoon. These people are animals”
Normally, DFAT has school pick-up zones on alert level, “reconsider your need to travel”. However, this has been upgraded to “DO NOT TRAVEL” on account of a few factors. The spokesperson continued,
“Firstly, being the first day back at school for the year, we had reports that it was an absolute shemozzle this morning. Parents were just parking wherever the hell they wanted with no consideration for a steady flow. There were threats and casual abuse were flying every which way and we are hearing some people got bitten”
Indeed, over 8 separate biting incidents were recorded in the Dirty South, and over 1500 threats of legal action were flung around in the City’s western burbs. They continued,
“Secondly, the new restrictions on anti-vaxxers coming in means a small but very aggressive portion are particularly irate, being unable to get plastered today and follow YouTube rabbit holes while looking for a job”
DFAT is warning any attempts to enter pick-up zones this afternoon could result in permanent damage to your already faltering faith in humanity. They advise you to be careful as a common side effect may also be a whittling down of your will to live.
Parents choosing to brave the battle this afternoon are warned to not only steer clear of rampaging mummies but to be very careful of IED – impatient exploding dads, who are expected to blow up in fits of rage at the clusterfuck.
“Many dads aren’t used to the daily grind of the pick up/drop off so are often not well equipped to deal with the hellscape they see before them. Be very careful you don’t get between a Patrol driver and a pathway out of the mess”
May the lord have mercy on all your souls.
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