Typically, homemade bongs are used by kids with balls about to drop like Darude Sandstorm or men who have given up the 9-5 to live in a van and search for the perfect wave. There doesn’t seem to be much in between.
Of course, the common factor connecting these stoner demographics is the necessity for an easily affordable and even easier constructible apparatus for a choof.
In an ideal world, the bottle is sourced from the local petrol station. That way, the money man at least gets a delicious swig of Blue Bolt Gatorade. In a less ideal world, and the world we tend to find ourselves in, this bottle is sourced from the bin of local neighbourhood pisshead. A man who thinks electrolytes mitigate the damage from 24 cans of Emu the night before.
Next on the itinerary is a section of hose which will form a conduit between molten hot plant matter and the cooling water in the bottle. This hose is traditionally found on the front lawn of the nearest property to where you seek to get high.
Given the usual cutter is 15 and softer than 5am dexie-dick, this process is often panicked and the end result is a length of hose cut directly from the middle of the poor bugger’s coil.
Next on the pleb list is a cone piece. These can easily be sourced from your local Nangatorium or Joynt Venture although if you are really slumming it some of your mums al-foil will do the trick nicely.
Hey, you’ve already spent most of your disposable income on a dirty 30 stick of weed from the local open house – you’re not made of money.
Now it’s time for the tricky part. See, much like the action your mother should’ve taken 18 years ago, a bong is all about perfection suction. So when you burn a small hole in the bottle to insert the stolen hose you had better make sure you’ve managed to plug a tighter seal than an Antarctic-bestialiac.
Next is the shotty. This little hole will turn a chamber of white delicious into a lung injection you won’t forget. Ensure the hole is naturally where your finger will go. A badly placed shotty will render your bong as useless as a band-aid on a haemophilic stabbing victim.
If you’ve managed to create a passable bill-char then its time to choof up in the car park of your local foreshore, service station of preferred fast food snack-a-torium.
Naturally, your next series of events will involve laughing, talking about food and coughing your ring up like Brian from the pack of darts you used to spin the chop.
After you’ve stuffed your gullets like a French goose it’s time to stash that billie in your car and change the water every 5 months or until you’ve managed to create a new strain of amoebic meningitis.
Don’t worry, this process may seem grim but wait until you come across your first permanent bucket fixture in your scummiest mate’s laundry.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
