Mr Coronavirus

For a man who couldn’t be fucked getting the flu shot and stops washing his hands after his 3rd pint at the pub, Goeff has a lot to say about the spread of the Coronavirus.

After such a night of piss-splashed frivolities at the pub, Goeff decides to let his community Facebook page know his thoughts on contagion control:

“Luk its simple, if *that* lot just stop travelling when their sik we’d all be roight, bloody, close the borders, DEPORT Winthrop and buy local!!! Not blody hartd lol!!! Not gonna end up ded cos one of them boofed a bat”

Of course, Goeff wasn’t always a master of containing global catastrophes. A mere 72 hours earlier he had been up in the face of his local bottle shop attendant asking why his googling yielded no results on why they were selling contaminated beer.

However, due to the non-stop flow of fear-mongering Goeff was now an expert and made sure he sat several milk crates away from his work mate Victor Truong. “You just make sure you cough that way Truongy”. Victor pleaded with Goeff, “mate, I’m Australian-Vietnamese, I haven’t left the country in 20 years”. Goeff just laughs, “yeah but that’s what ya would say if you had it, ay”.

Of course, life doesn’t stop just because the world might end and Goeff has a birthday dinner to attend this evening. He checks with his misso, “where are we going, do I have to wear shoes?” She replies, the local Italian joint, darl. Damn, he’s had the liberty to drag his filthy feet through an eatery attacked once again.

Goeff is happy with this answer until he remembers what’s next door. The red flag of China had been waved in front of the raging bull of his ignorance, “bloody hell sugar tits, you know bloody ground 0 is next door?” He is referring to the local Chinese takeaway shop.

After 45 minutes of arguing Goeff agrees to come under one condition – he can wear his BCF snorkel & mask kit from the car until he’s inside the Italian restaurant. Hey, who really looks like the fucking idiot? The guy in a BCF snorkel & mask set walking 10m to get some pasta or the guy pissing bat pus out his arse in a hospital bed? Checkmate.

Over dinner, Goeff expresses his disdain at the Government’s quarantine policy. “Look, I’m all for getting Aussies back home but why do they have to go to Chrissy Island and then Perth, that’s how illegals get in you know, they’ll be eating bats, getting the virus and coming through the back door”.

His attitude towards consultatory help was quite different when he needed help with legal fees after getting arrested for bringing knock-off valium through Changi airport. Nevertheless, the fate of Perth’s public health rested on the balance here and he continued to bang on about being opposed to the offshore quarantine processing – again, some irony there.

On the drive home, the king of disease control cupcakes his wife as she drives, “haha fartolini bolognese”. She looks over at her giggling husband in his BCF set and just smiles, maybe the sweet release of the Coronavirus wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?