Ms Insta/Snapchat Story

Thought her story was just random glimpses of her exciting life thrown together haphazardly? You stupid plebby blob. Her story is a work of hard and as finely chiselled as Cuntelangelo’s David with the raw marble of narcissism.

It’s the weekend so Tanya’s story has to be more lit than a Galapagos Tortoise’s birthday cake. To separate herself from the herd of basicbitches posting photos of their brunch, Tanya goes nuclear and hits her followers with some 10 am mimosas – the game is on.

The next instalment is a quick recording of her and her fellow 10’s driving to the sounds of WAP as she drives to an appointment to get a spray tan to look suitably golden for the great Aussie tradition of getting fuckeyed every weekend.

Aw snap, they went too hard at the spray tannery and the group look like Oompa-Loompas in the burns ward after a fire at Willy Wonka’s factory. Not to worry, with the help of filters they are able to make themselves appear as bronzed goddesses as they crowd around a cluttered #AF bathroom and pose for the obligatory “getting ready” portion of Tanya’s story.

To the casual observer, Tanya is just cruising along living the good life, but just like any good backdoor gang bang movie, behind every minute of ecstasy captured is a buttload of tedious preparation. The tans, the hair, begging father for his credit card for a new dress, all that jazz, all those hours just for the privilege of leaving guys on “seen” who respond to her story. Losers.

Next up in the story is the “bothering the Uber driver” scene. While this may appear spontaneous and free-spirited make no mistake, Tanya is a seasoned professional at pissing off hired help. They arrive and enter the bar.

Like an episode of All Aussie Hoe-ventures, Tanya is an expert at tracking the scent of the un-elusive club sleaze who is guaranteed to buy the girls a round of cocktails. She follows the waft of Joop right to a guy whose desperation shines brighter than the gold-plated chain around his neck.

Tanya and the girls boomerang themselves sipping the Cosmos. Which is undoubtedly a useful demonstration on how to drink out of a glass, in case there was some confusion. Ironically, this scene takes about 6 attempts as Tanya is so focused on looking hot she keeps dribbling liquid like a mummy bloggers baby montage.

After hours of filming herself dropping it on the dancefloor she runs into an old friend and instantly demands a selfie, her friend is #totes excited, “OMG put this on your story babes, how random”. However, tragedy strikes as she examines the shot and realises her friend is looking way hotter than her. Tanya lies, “sure babes, I’ll catch up with you later”. The selfie never sees the light of day.

To end the night, she snaps herself chowing down into some cheeseburgers and lamenting at how “fat” they all are. This isn’t just fishing, this unleashing an ocean draining, super trawler on the sea of thirsty men waiting to slide in.

She may not remember much of the night but at least she has her story to remind her of how far she has drifted from the eyes of god.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?