Mr Freo Dockers (2017)

The Freo Dockers are the Ellenbrook trainline of the AFL: after years of broken promises the fans are left with nothing but a long wait for the premiership-train that is never coming.

Usually, an 89 point annihilation would have Ray furious, but after round 2 he has given in like Andy Dufresne getting shawshanked in the boiler room.

Frankly, he’s seen quicker rebuilds at a drone bombed Syrian village after CFMEU workers got the contract.

He can’t even share “Meth Coke Eagles” memes anymore, as elements of his own playing list treated the offseason like a day at the Kalgoorlie races. One must ask, under such circumstances what becomes of the memeless hearted?

After reading about Ben Cousins’ imprisonment for the twentieth time, he is ready to face his work colleagues as they smugly mix up Blend 43 and wait for Ray to wobble in for morning tea.

“Good effort on the weekend Ray, Dockers looking fierce this year”.

You may as well have told Ray that you had his crystal healer mother-in-law locked in a cage for all he cared. “Fuck em”, he grumbles as he scoffs a bigger handful of bickies than a scared teen that spotted a sniffer dog in a festival line.

But like Clive Waterhouse waiting for the Hall of Fame nominees every year, Ray holds on to some optimism. “Look, Lyon is planning to tank the season, that’s what playing the youngins is all about oright. 2024 will be our year”.

The Eagles’ fans take no pleasure in the lacklustre banter. Ray threw a fucking stapler against the kitchen wall last year, that was fucking mint. Oh and fuck when Freo made the Grand Final he came to work draped in more green, red and purple than an elf after losing in Santa’s illegal fight club.

Ray looks at his Docker’s membership lanyard as he prepares for the inevitable loss of the son he never had (especially given his own son has started recording his own Aussie hip hop). He begins penning a handwritten letter to Fyfe:

“Dear Fyfe

Shoosh, it’s OK you beautiful bastard. I write to yous with a heavy heart, they say if yous love something yous should let it free. I understand if ya leave son, I forgive you. It’s not your fault. You are the best player to have ever played any sport ever and notably better than Gary Ablett Jnr.

Yours forever – Ray.”

Ray joins the legions of fans who like bogan’s without home and contents insurance, aren’t prepared to weather the rebuilding shit-storm.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?