Mr Mature Aged Student

In a former life, David was a sales executive for a big firm, but due to certain indiscretions involving the aroma of a colleague’s chair, he finds himself out of a job and looking to undertake some further studies to help him set up his own business. 

He enrolls in a commerce degree at Notre Dame University and is keen to make a splash. On the first day, the lecturer discusses the basic market forces of supply and demand. With 2 minutes until the buzzer, David knows he needs to hit ‘em with some half court razzle-dazzle:

“Well, in my 25 years experience as a sales executive, I can assure you that there are far more sophisticated market forces at play than the oversimplified, and dare I say cliche understanding of supply and demand…” 

The ego-stration of his knowledge carries on well after the class was meant to finish. He can sense, yet chooses to ignore, the impatient groans of his student cohort. After he is done stroking his own ego, he turns and Good Will Cuntings the 18 year old “chicky babe” next to him, “how do you like dem apples?”

Evidently, not at all, and Instead of seeing him as a hot chunk of intellectual apple pie, she decides to burn him like a desperate dick-head trying to penetrate one, “um aren’t you my dad’s friend? Ew”.

After class, he loosens his tie, rolls up his sleeves and follows a group of youths to the pub. Despite it being 4:30pm he decides to rely on one of 3 jokes in his repertoire, “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere ay guys, or beer o’clock as we used to say”. 

He revolts the group with stories about how he remembers Uni being about “chasing skirt” and “rolling reefers”. If everyone is being honest they wish he’d act like the other mature aged students and go home to their families, but you kind of lose that right when you treat the office furniture like perfume testers at David Jones. 

Later in the semester, the lecturer reads out the groups for a dreaded group assignment. Each name spouted feels like a game of mature aged Russian roulette as the students cringe in anticipation of being stuck with David. 

Inevitably one group draws the short straw. He smiles, “you guys are lucky, the other groups don’t have 25 years of business knowledge do they *winks mature agedly*, now just hang back after class, I have some questions for the lecturer to give us the edge”.

Of course, you do, David, of course, you do.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?