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Mrs Magpie Cull

For years humans and magpies have coexisted under the understanding that if we built our cities around their homes, they get to fuck us up each year between August and October when they nest. Most of us accept this and anticipate our feathered friends swooping in like an ethnic grandma towards a Woolies discount bin.

Not Trisha though. She couldn’t care less about the truce. Trisha’s parents over seasoned her with a belief she was special in the slow cooker of life and the result was a steaming pile of entitlement that would earn a 10/10 from George Calombaris himself. 

One fateful day, after berating a checkout chick about Ooshies, Trisha was swooped by the local alpha magpie that has nested in a tree for the last 3 years. Fucking hell, bird, not only is Trisha a cyclist, but she’s a mummy, a “ratepayer” and the admin of the local community FB page. In short, she has a very particular set of skills, skills she has acquired over a very long career of talking to managers, skills that will make her a nightmare for a swoopy boi like you. 

She immediately rings the local ranger and demands the blood of her sharp-beaked enemy. Someone is going to have to pay the price for grazing her helmet and spooking her a bit. Alas, she is unhappy with the level of give-a-shittery displayed by the ranger. So she takes to Facebook to rally support for her cam-pain against the bird,

“Today I was viciously attacked by a FERAL and clearly OUT OF CONTROL magpie! I was lucky to escape serious injury but EASILY could have fallen off and broken my neck or lost an eye!!! What if I had been walking my child!!!! This is unacceptable and the ranger couldn’t have cared less! Time for us RATEPAYERS to take a stand and CULL these dangerous pests!!!!!”

She is infuriated that no one wants to kill this bird as much as she does. Some people are even defending the creatures right to defend their nest. Alas, she is used to everyone thinking she’s a dickhead and doubles down on her rant by creating a petition calling for the swift execution. This is the god damn 2018 AFL Grand Final of thundercuntery and she ain’t going to let the magpies win. 

Her petition gains some mild traction amongst the local cowards but she wants to hit the ranger with the ol razzle-dazzle. So she stoops lower than a jockey’s ballsack and leverages her ugly kid’s case of pinkeye to her advantage. She posts a close up photo of her kid’s reddish eye,

“URGENT REPORT: today, the same magpie that ATTACKED me swooped my child as he walked home from the park, lucky he turned away in time or he would be BLINDED. IMMEDIATE ACTION must be taken!!! Like and share this image!!”

You know you’re a shitbag when a local magpie shows greater care for its offspring than you do. Imagine that, outshone in the parenting stakes by a bird. Of course, the sensationalist image builds plenty of traction and her petition receives a huge surge of signatures. She finally has the clout she needs. 

After 56 phone calls, 25 emails and 3 visits to their office, the ranger finally bends to public pressure and orders that the magpie be shot. At 8 am on a Wednesday, swoopy boi was lit up like he had flown into Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom. Trisha receives notification and instantly throws a vodka fuelled magpie death party while she watches day time television. 

Meanwhile, the baby magpies are forced to grow up without a father. Ultimately, their anger at the cruelty of the world will lead them to a life of swoop-crime. Thus, the cycle continues. Thanks, Trisha. 

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