pete evans organic

Celeste can’t believe doctors study for 10 years to be so wrong. When it comes to raising a healthy bubba David “Avocado” Wolfe is Jesus, and Pete Evans wrote the bible.

Unlike your disgusting working class spawn, Celeste’s children need a very special blend of organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, sustainable food that must be sourced ethically in hand-woven baskets by the kind of dollar-a-day Oxfamlings that she believes live off her husband’s insincere charity write-offs.

Didn’t catch all that? Don’t worry, Celeste has a stack of cards printed out with said information that she dishes out like a grad position lawyer at the Raffles on MILF night.

Today Celeste is trying to realign her chakra by masturbating with an activated zucchini while watching her beloved Pete Evans on MKR and reading pseudo-scientific health articles that make Buzzfeed look like Al Jazeera.

Chakra re-aligned, and her bubba’s fed on a delish bone broth, Celeste instructs her cleaner to whip up a special cleaning agent that the avocado-dicked fuckstain Wolfe recommended. She tweaked her recipe and calls it Eat, Love, Pray & Wipe.

As for Celeste, she is off to yoga to tell all the other luxury 4WD owning mummies that big pharma allegedly has its finger in a particular brand of organic baby water.

“I would never give little James Earth Glow H20 again, I read that big pharma is paying off the Siamese hills people to add vaccine residue and sneakily get our kids hooked on vaccinations! It’s like a gateway drug to autism”.

There is a mighty gasp from the Lululemonites who are now stumped as to what water to give their babies. The tap stuff is loaded with fluoride, and now their trusted brand of GMO-free organic water is tied up in the conspiracy.

For fuck’s sake, this woman is a few steps away from being a beautiful mind-cunt with a bedroom full of newspaper clippings and string connecting the dots.

She starts a petition on a mummy group to boycott the water and proceeds to only hydrate little James with the purest of kale-strained Voss water. “It’s the only way I can be sure”.

Nevertheless, sprouting insane health views is perfectly acceptable when Dr Google will see you at any time. You won’t even need to re-read a 7-month-old edition of Woman’s Day while you wait for some medical hack to tell you that you are a moron.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

$