Ms Bali

Sharleen presides over an empire of 2 hairdressing salons, an essential oil business and an investment property in Baldivis. She is the suburban queen of the middle Australian dream and she used to reward her success with 5 trips to Bali per year. Finally, she can return. 

Why Bali? Well, Sharleen has acquired a taste. A ravenous hunger that she can no longer satisfy in Perth. A craving that can only be slain by riding a Kuta Cowboy into the muggy dawn. 

It was after her latest defacto fiasco that she decided to buy an all-day ticket to the all-you-can-Ketut buffet. She was sick of trawling Plenty ‘o Fish only to pull up nets of bait quality Aussie blokes that John West would certainly reject. 

A month ago, Sharleen decided to ignore the travel warnings and head to Bali anyway. She’s only a few bad decisions away from being a full cruise ship person so this course of action came as a surprise to no one. 

Sharleen used to stay in Kuta but a woman with as many trinkets on her Pandora Bracelet is a bit fancier than that now. She always opts for a 5-star villa in Seminyak – her cougar cave where many a young surfer boy has been eaten alive in. 

In preparation for her hoe-downs, Sharleen will swagger into beauty salons and begin her transformation. Dozens of Balinese beauticians are forced to endure her demanding attitude. She especially loves to “make sure they are doing their jobs properly” with constant feedback. 

She turns to another blob of Australian putty, “can never be too careful with this lot”. They laugh as the poor beautician tries her best to make her gout-ridden goblin foot look good. She doesn’t need a beautician, she needs a magician. 

She returns to her villa having successfully tipped no one and liberally applies some counterfeit Britney Spears perfume she bought at the markets. It’s time for cocktails, cheap darts and of course flicking through her little black book and saddling up. 

To start her night, Sharleen enjoys the great Aussie past time of sitting at a bar, slamming down cocktails and being as obnoxious to every other patron as humanly possible. Most Aussies possess this talent but Sharleen is a 7th dan blackbelt master of it – the Steven Segal of Arak poisoning. 

After smothering every Balinese bartender with a thick coating of middle-aged flirtation she’s ready to get serious. She messages one of her options. It’s quite simple, in exchange for a feed & gifts, he gets an experience that will be burned into his memory for his remaining time on earth. 

After putting this surfer through the whitewash of middle-aged wiles, Sharleen gets an email from her airline. All this COVID-19 rubbish has meant that her flights have been cancelled. In fact, she may not be able to get a flight for up to two weeks. 

She turns to her cowboy and smiles, “looks like we can do this every night for a few weeks, stud hehe

It was at this moment he knew true fear. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?