Ms “Ban Pokemon Go”

Margaret has a bone to Pikachu with Pokemon Go.

Her exposure to the app has been limited, to say the least. Specifically, she spotted a couple of Millennials walking around Coles while she was making sure her favourite baking paper wasn’t Halal certified.

She turned to a young mother perusing the organic baby water and griped at her, “walking around with their heads buried in their phones, it’s bloody disrespectful”.

The mother looks up, “they are playing the new Pokemon game, it’s already caused deaths and car accidents, don’t you know”.

Now on the plus side, Margaret was satisfied that the preparation of her sponge cake wasn’t going to fund terrorism. On the downside, she had to waddle off like an aggrieved outrage-turkey to launch a campaign against Pokemon Go: the single biggest threat to the nation’s walkways.

On route home, Margaret fails to notice a Zebra crossing and almost plough-basaurs through a group of kids. Her bingo-wings wobble hypnotically as she Blastoises her horn and squawks furiously out her window, “watch where you’re bloody going!!!”

Back at her dwelling, she spots a Facebook post from the WA Police, and the outrage of a million A Current Affair segments flow through her veins. How could the boys in blue merely post a safety message?

Well, Margaret ain’t gonna Snorlax on this issue. So she releases a Pokeball of sensationalised fuckery:

“Armed robberies, car accidents, kids even walking off bloody cliffs!!! RAPES! Whoever invented this game should be ASHAMED! Please WA Police, crackdown, crack down crack down!!! Is it going to take an Australian death for us to all wake up?! BAN BAN BAN”

One can imagine even Russ O’Callaghan making more sense after puffing the shardmander from a light-bulbasaurus.

Her bubble-wrap campaign continues on her own Facebook page:

“Seriously, instead of looking for work, these kids are walking around dangerously looking for Pokemon! Wasting their time and walking in front of cars!!! I will be writing to my MP about this. They all need a bloody good kick up the bum!”

Margaret proceeds to hand-write a letter to her local MP. It reads like a rambling manifesto from a trench-coated freak that’s about to go postal after being banned from feeding the ducks at the park.

While she waits for Australia’s top brass to stomp this shit out, she will arm herself with her hose and spray any Millennial tweet-dick that dares venture into her beloved garden looking for pixelated thrills.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?


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