Ms Milk Crisis

Helen is sucking the titty of outrage like a yoga-mum’s baby in a busy Cafe.

She has fully informed herself about the milk crisis via a Newscorp article and watching Waleed carry on like a headmaster that knows you are lying about chucking your sanga out the bus window.

Her Today/Tonight mind struggles to comprehend all that boring economic shit. Besides, market forces don’t have a Facebook page. She knows exactly who is to blame for this full-cream-cuntery: her local Coles, and yep, they’ve got a fucking Facebook page.

She snaps a photo of the Coles dairy section looking as depleted as a Midland meth-heads dental records. She uploads the photo:

“Shame, shame.. shame Coles! Forciing us to buy the cheep MILK and bloody doen a number on the OZZIE FARMERS! This ccRAP is made from POWDAR, and probs HALAL certified ay?? Lol tell ya bloody wat, it’s outrageous I had to go down the road to get me milk! CAN YOU SAY BOYCOTT”

Fucking hell. Clean up in aisle 9. Since when does a bargain-bin-bitch mind the cheaper option? In her mind, Coles’ are slinging a ‘POWDAR’ substance that is directly supporting the HALAL terrorists. Practically fucking cocaine right?

The next morning she is reminded of the crisis as she pours some milk into her Blend 43. She begins reading the “News” and stumbles across Coles’ fuckup of the year: a FB post that mistakenly confirms their generic milk is made from powder.

Despite being somewhat of a maestro of the typo herself, Helen doesn’t buy Coles’ explanation. They should just bloody stock more Aussie milk. Helen’s tin-foil campaign of shame marches on:

“HA! Ya slipped Coles! Powdared milk ay lol. How can yous sleep at night knowin yous is putting farmers outta busines and robbin me of FAMILY TIME (yep that extra 20min trip tp get MY Milk ADDS UP)”.

Christ, 3 days without her preferred milk and she has missed all the tender moments: her de facto drinking VB and ripping arse on the couch. Her shitlings throwing toys at each other. Oh, and at least 1 episode of Grant Denyer’s Family fuckin’ Feud.

Never let both sides of the story get in the way of a good outrage-milkin’.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?