Ms Emergency Nurse

When it comes to patients, Rach has all the sympathy of a losing Melbourne Cup horse for his jockey’s glue allergy, but it wasn’t always like this.

Out of Uni, she wanted to sing the song of care from the mountain tops, but the glacier of reality soon eroded her foundations with a steady flow of ice-addicts coming through ED.

In the interest of survival, she always started the day by raiding the goodies cabinet for a hearty breakfast of xan-cakes, eggs valiumdict and an extra smothering of oxycontinaise sauce. Some might call that an indictable offence, others a necessary precaution against choking a young doctor to death with her bare hands.

See, the one thing she despises more than the triage room full of drunken dickheads and clumsy fuckrods is the young doctors who believe they only needed 5 days to create the world, suck on that stethoscope, God.

It’s Friday, so Rach spends her lunch frustrated and trawling through Tinder for a guy to ram her like she was a slow rodeo clown. She is halfway through talking to a guy when she is buzzed to attend to a patient.

She storms into ED and sees her tradie patient hammering the help button. She internalises her thoughts, “it’s just a cutting disc stuck in your face you big fucking pussy”.

Seems like all that sweet morphine wasn’t enough, now this guy wants some water, the audacity. She more or less throws the water at him.

“Weren’t so concerned about fluids when you operated your tools after a liquid lunch ay fucko?” Jesus, this experience wasn’t at all like that movie he watched at smoko.

She finally finishes her shift and heads down to Milligan’s bar for several glasses of bubbly and a discussion with her nurse buddies about which doctor they’d most like to trip down the stairs.

Then she spots a young, fit O.T recruit nursing a Becks. Target locked. She is going to ride this poor boy like a stolen VN Commodore.

She drags him to a cubicle and tells him not to bother with the dinger as she wouldn’t mind getting preggaz if it meant not having to deal with the all you can meth buffet her work environment has become.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?