The Perth Recruiter

Craig is the Amazonian dick fish of the corporate world and is always hunting for the pissy trail of desperation to latch onto and suck the life out of a job seeker. 

A young law graduate enters his office and is confronted by a man in an ill-fitting suit with hair so slick that BP tried to deny responsibility for it.

He then proceeds to spend the first 15 minutes pumping up his own tyres like he was Lance Armstrong after a particular stellar doping session.

After the ego masturbating monologue he reads through the grad’s C.V. He takes a deep breath and like a pull-out promise from a father of 8 he makes an assurance he knows is bullshit, “I’ll have you employed in a month champ”.

Unfortunately, law grads are as in demand as a lip model with herpes, so Craig spends the first 2 months ignoring the desperate man like he was ex-Big Brother contestant in a career day’s booth. Finally, something comes across his desk.

He tells the grad that he has an exciting opportunity that would be perfect for him. Desperate, the grad expresses his interest, “who is the job with?”

Craig makes it clear that he cannot disclose that, but hey, it’s not like the identity of the employer is an important factor in deciding to apply for a job, plus Craig needs to protect his sweet, sweet comish. 

Before Craig is willing to put the grad forward for the position he makes him jump through more hoops than a meth-addled gymnast.

3 Skype interviews and threatening phone call about not approaching the company directly later, Craig finally reveals the employer: a call centre.

The grad’s heart sinks to his stomach, “I am looking for law jobs!” Craig is disgusted at the lack of gratitude, “mate, frankly your C.V is weak and this role is legal…ish you will be dealing with complaints about warranties, you did that in law school didn’t you?”

Defeated, the grad accepts the interview and takes Craig’s advice to ask for $30K p/a. It’s all the makings of the shittest fairy tale ever written, but at least he is employed.

That is until a few weeks later when the grad finds out someone with the same job was getting paid $45K.

You just got recruited bro.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?