It’s 10pm, and Simon’s thrilling game of Solitaire is disturbed by the pub next door’s audacious decision to play music for its paying patrons. Aw shit, did someone say nostalgic Australian afternoon TV? Because Simon is about to go totally wild.

Of course, there was no way Simon could’ve known about the noise being emitted from the long-running pub. Since when is one expected to perform due diligence on a substantial financial and lifestyle investment? Don’t be fucking stupid.

Accordingly, he calls up the bar manager and spews verbal trash from his Oscar-the-grouch can. Tragically, the early 2000s RnB bangers continue to pollute his serenity. It’s his 150th call this year, so he decides to go nuclear and take his complaint to the Council.

Unfortunately for Simon, the local council refused to hit the fun switch and send the suburb back to the 1980 bore-topia he so badly yearns for. Like Perth Stadium he really needs to build a fucking bridge.

Alas, he can’t get over it, in fact, he is willing to take legal action and fight for his right not to party. Fuck it, he’ll fly all the way to the High Court to argue his case, and you better believe he is stealing your aisle seat, day-reclining his chair and then standing up as soon as the plane lands to complain about the tarmac time. That is just the kind of selfless bloke he is.

Over brunch the next day a mate suggests he saves his time and just moves house. Simon almost chokes on the eggs he is destined to have a word with the chef about. “Never!” This isn’t Manus Island, he isn’t going to be forced out like some asylum seeker. “It is my right as a resident to quiet enjoyment of my land!”.

Now, one might be fooled into thinking Simon has too much time on his hands. You would be mistaken because he is also fighting for the closure of a dog beach after stepping in shit, campaigning tirelessly for a 300-year-old tree to be removed to unobscure his view and fighting on the front line against the noise of the ice-cream truck in Mossie Park.

No matter what the outcome of his battles, Simon will continue to act like a second-hand car salesman and do his best to wind back the fun-o-meter of Perth for his own personal gain.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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