Lauren always wanted to be a journalist but she always found the news to be a total snore-fest. There was only one thing for it – pop in a septum piercing and writing filler articles for any agency willing to pay $50.

She made more waves than Kelly Slater on crack with her article, “25 Doggos That are Better Than a Man!” She sent it to Buzzfeed and the editors knew they were dealing with a real professional here.

In the wake of her viral success, she suggests another article, “These 50 Memes About Avocados are Lit AF”. Stop. The. Fucking. Presses. She was welcomed to the team.

She knew she was doing important work, but she felt she was neglecting her angsty side. So she pens an article, “ScoMo is Fucking Dumb”. Damn, brutal and edgy like a dodecagon dildo. Her editor replies, “love it, but could we change it to ScoMo is Fucking Cooked? Cheers”.

It didn’t matter that Buzzfeed disagreed with her artistic direction because Lauren knew this article was woke. She decides to shop it around and gets the attention of a sub-editor from Vice, “this is impressive work, we’ll pay you in exposure and let you pitch more ideas”.

She had hit the gold mine. She continues to impress with such classics as “Why the Terminator is Actually a Shit Movie” and “Why I Don’t Do Ketamine… With Australians”. Like a Roman executioner on Good Friday, she was fucking nailing it.

Time passes, and Vice makes Lauren an offer, “we’d like to promote you to our investigative journalism team, got anything for us?” Lauren thinks long and hard and realises she has to make the ultimate sacrifice to Gods of trash journalism:

“I will make a documentary called, ‘Dad, We Need to Talk – How I Told My Father it was His Privilege or Me’, I’ll live stream the entire thing, and if he doesn’t quit his corporate job and apologise to every minority he didn’t hire I’ll become estranged”.

Her editor finds the idea more delicious than Bruce Mcavaney watching Rioli stretch, “Brilliant, I only have one note for you Lauren do it, on… acid”.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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