Ms “I’m Living my Best Life”

3 months ago Alice was a meatball sub of saturated slop, and like Jared Fogle it was the minor things getting her in strife. Booze, takeaway food and weekends spent slowly metamorphosing into her final form: a human couch cushion savagely weathered by the arse of sedentary stupor. 

On the first weekend of not living like a sack of shit, Alice turned down an offer to get rosé’d after work and woke up at the break of dawn to go for a power walk around the river followed by Instagramming a brunch without a trace of hollandaise in sight. 

At first, her friends were as proud as the punch she would normally pick the fruit out of and guzzle down. She was high on life, but what comes up must come down and it wasn’t long until Alice was in the grips of the unpleasant withdrawals of Self Appointed Saviour Syndrome. 

See, it wasn’t enough to just live better, she needed to inspire, she needed to grab her friends’ complacent heads and skullfuck inspiration into them so hard that they start sneezing success like her. So the following weekend she uploads a photo of herself 15 minutes into the Kalamunda section of the Bibbulmun Track and goes full Kokoda on the caption:

“2 weeks ago I never thought I’d be here, why walk around a mountain when you can walk straight over one? hehe *series of shit-eating emojis*#healthgoals#whatareyouwaitingfor#hungoveragain#notme#cleanliving#sobersundays#chooselife#nevertoolatetochange#inspo

Probably giving herself a little too much praise for driving up a hill and taking a photo, nevertheless, her reign of inspiration didn’t stop there. Her next stop was to pick up some Kombucha equipment from a moon-unit residing in a barefootatorium in South Freo. 

She uploads a picture of her set up, “this is the only brew I drink these days hehe, most of us don’t even know we have a problem with alcohol, jus’ saying 😛#bebetter#youcandoit#livingmybestlife#betterthanyours”. 

Quite true, her friends do have a problem with piss, mainly that there isn’t enough in the world to tolerate these fucking posts.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?