Ms Leftbank X-Mas Eve Party

For the 3rd year in a row Jess has opted for a sexy twist on the festive theme. Her cleavage is taped in and her dress hugs her figure tighter than a creepy uncle-in-law at X-Mas lunch – the absolute hottest in howyagoing-chic.

Jess had to plug her onlyfans page extra hard to afford the ticket and a baggie full of naughty little stocking fillers. Something is going on the shelf this X-Mas and it sure isn’t a fucking elf. She had a crack at exerting her 1850 follower clout for free tickets but it didn’t work.

She arrives at the Left Bank early to wait for the doors to open. She recalls un-fondly the year she arrived at 1 pm and had to line up outside with the other late peasants that thought “she’ll be right”. This year, a hulking bouncer checks her ID and chuckles to his meatheaded buddy, “Hoe Hoe Hoe ay G? Churrrrrrr”.

Jess finds an outside table in the beer garden and shows off the culture she picked up during her 2 week holiday to Italy and begins guzzling Aperol Spritz. In an attempt to pace herself she spends 20minutes trying to take the perfect Boomerang of each drink she buys. Yep – every. single. drink.

She is soon joined by her friend Luke who had spent yesterday getting an emergency Koi fish tattoo added to his arm sleeve. He is adorned in a short sleeve button up that is just a pinch too tight. If you look carefully he has strategically rolled up his sleeves to show off his new tatt. There wasn’t any rain forecast so he knew he had to make sure the girls got wet.

Jess and her besties spend the day making passive-aggressive comments about the other girls in the venue. She looks over at Luke, who now has his chest puffed out and ogling a rival Instagram model that recently surpassed Jess’ follower count. Jess looks to her eXpresso squad, and they collectively roll their eyes, “see, only knuckle-draggers are attracted to her babes”.

Luke senses he is being made fun of, but his turbo senses have kicked in, and he repeats his mantra to himself, “haters gone hate, brah”. He decides to claw back the respect of Jess by pulling the biggest turbo dickhead powermove he can think of.

“Watch this”, he says before scaling a fence and trying to climb up the bordering cliff face. They watch on in shock as he gets wrestled by bouncers after slipping on his first attempt. His day may have been cut short due to this stunt but in his view – someone had to do it. He yells through the fences as he’s escorted away, “send nudes, babe”.

Jess has no intention of doing that. Instead, she drinks, dances and white-girl yells at everyone until midnight. Feeling a little salty, she decides it’s time for her father to retrieve her. She needs to begin her annual power-yaking ritual down the side of the car. It’s not much but tradition is important.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?