Mrs Neighbourhood Watch

Like a disorientated Big Bird at a Sesame Street suckatorium, Karen is always sticking her beak where it doesn’t belong.

She is the sheriff in these here ‘burbs, and if you don’t live by the by-laws you will die by the by-laws, or at the very least receive a fine because Karen snitched again.

Instead of working or doing anything productive with her life Karen likes to patrol the neighbourhood under the guise of walking the overgrown bundle of drain clogging pubic hair she calls a dog.

While on Tuesday afternoon’s patrol she notices a resident has failed to take his bins back in after they were collected yesterday. She scurries home to write the homeowner a passive-aggressive note,

“To whom it may concern, please ensure you clear your bins from the verge in a timely fashion!!! Bin day is Monday, and your bins are still visible to children and ratepayers!!! Please do better – A concerned resident.”

On her way back from dropping off the letter she notices a bloke calmly testing out his new pitching wedge in the corner of an empty park. Not on her watch. She calls the ranger, who she is on a first name basis with, and has the miscreant dealt with.

For Karen, snitching is like sniffing glue – the higher she gets the stickier her beak becomes. As she chases her next fix, she notices a house on her street is having a little gathering. The sight of 5 extra cars on her turf almost sends her into cuntaphylactic shock.

What if she had friends coming over? She doesn’t, but it’s the principle. She decides to leave a passive-aggressive message on a community FB page that she admins, “Does anybody else have a problem with RUDE neighbours inviting people over all the time and clogging the street up?”

The saddos in the group concur, screw people with social lives who want to have a good time in the privacy of their own homes. Scum of the earth. She bides her time until night falls, and then makes a swift noise complaint to her local police department.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?