Ms Plastic Bag Ban

Its been a week since the plastic bag ban and Sue isn’t taking it well. How could these corporate fuck-monkeys be so cruel to fling shit all over her shopping routine like she was a Fremantle War Memorial? 

See Sue is part of a generation that doesn’t accept change, a generation that had always fisted the world with reckless abandon and never once stopped to think about the gaping holes that would be left. In this instance, the environment.

After 30 minutes of raiding every discount bin and muttering bigoted nothings at ethnic shoppers, Sue presents at the checkout. A 15 year old meekly squeaks, “good morning ma’am, do you have your own bags or would you like to purchase some of ours today?”

Aw shit, the red cape of mild inconvenience has been flashed in front of Sue’s eyes and she goes at the cashier with full goring intent, “HOW DARE YOU! Charging a loyal customer 15 cents for a bag! Get your manager out here if he isn’t too busy with his bloody 457 Visa application!” 

After the manager reiterates the store’s policy Sue’s behaviour takes a turn for the worst. She storms away and starts stuffing all her shit into fruit & veg bags. An unfortunate soul is tasked with reigning in her untamed cuntery, “excuse me miss, those bags are for the fruit and veg, not cat food”. 

She isn’t on the casting couch so she isn’t going to take this lying down. She storms over to the bread section and threatens to empty out a coupla loaves of Helgas if she doesn’t get her way. 

To stem the flow of menopausal rage, the manager offers her a complimentary canvas bag, if she would just shut the fuck up. Well, no good deed goes unpunished and later that day Sue drafts an almighty complaint on the store’s Facebook page:

“Unbelievable !!! expecting an old lady to carry all her groceries without a bag!!! Yet they are happy to charge for plastic, this is about PROFIT!! NOT the environment! I will be referring this to A Current Affair!! SHAME SHAME SHAME Woolworths!” 

Meanwhile, her husband storms into their negatively geared boomer abode, “little turd at Liquorland tried to charge me for a bag for me longies, told him to suck eggs, I’ll just take the entire bloody basket!” And that he did. 

It is only fitting that Boomers act like petulant children, as they’ll be back in nappies soon enough anyway.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?