Hollywood mega hunk Nicolas Cage has passed his final test to being accepted into the Aussie beach lifestyle club this morning.
At approximately, 10 am, Nic Cage was walking back from a dip in the surf when tragedy struck. He had just walked on the hot road and felt something unusual. It was when he looked down he realised the gravity of the situation.
A witness in Yallingup told The Times that as soon as Nic Cage examined the blowout he started losing the plot. Adding,
“It was very Wicker Man. The bee scene, you know it? He quickly ascertained that it couldn’t be replugged with the tools he had on hand and there was nothing between him and his home other than hot bitumen, baby, ya gotta hate that”
At first, Nic went into a state of denial. Attempting to keep the loose thong on his foot with a series of foot-acrobatics and shuffling. He realised this technique was pure folly.
He then entered a state of delusion when he figured how bad could the road be? How HOT can the road possibly get on a beautiful 34 degree Yalls day?
Pretty fkn hot really. He hopped & skipped for a while before seeking the comfort of some slightly less hot sand. He began to wail why god had forsaken him. That’s when an angel appeared.
A local with hoofs that could curb stomp a Lego set stepped forward. De-thongs and passed the actor his very own grisly rubber salvation. Nicolas apparently cried in relief. A witness at the scene told The Times,
“Yeah Cage thought he was a goner, he had just walked down for a swim so he didn’t have his phone or wallet. It was man v wild and without the actions of that incredibly weathered local his foot would’ve got a proper exfoliation”
The Times managed to track down the guardian angel who was taking raw heated bitumen to the sole like it was nothing. He told us,
“I remember my first trip to the beach ha ha, yeah, nah, nah, he’ll keep. He hasn’t been here long so he hasn’t been able to build up a healthy callous. Look at these feet mate, could grate cheese with em”
He wasn’t lying and judging by the smell, he’d done just that moments earlier.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
