REPORT: Filthy Easterlies Are the “Your Mate” of Winds

There are two basic energies to Perth winds – the cooling, calming legendary Freo Doctor and then the shitkent no one invited – the easterly. Remember, nothing good has ever come from the east of Australia.

Now, not to get bogged down in the wind science but the easterly is literally a blow in from the stinking hot desert and it brings nothing but filth.

It can even be such a horrible guest that it’ll scare away the Freo Doctor. Leaving us with nothing but the ambient temperature of a middle-aged divorcee’s air fryer on a Friday night.

Just imagine you’ve gotten home from a long day. You sit on your couch ready to enjoy a cold froff, some aircon, and whichever Arnie movie comes up first on your streaming service. Then you hear the door SLAM open.

Yep, it’s “your mate” from the desert who has come fully loaded with an arsehole full of hot relentless gusts fuelled by a 10-day Shane Warne diet of beans and laxatives. He aims that meat cannon right at you and doesn’t stop until several days later.

You’d have half a mind to tell him to rack off! Dirty bugger. Alas, he has not intention of leaving so you decide to go to the beach the next day. Get away from him.

Ah you poor fool. As soon as he hears the beach, “your mate” perks up and will 100% follow you there to whip hot air and sand in your face. We can forgive the sea breeze for making a meal of the beach because he brings gifts of cooling. “Your mate”, however, no chance.

Next up, how do you think the brave fireys feel? Oh yeah, the easterly can be more sinister than just destroying your inner zen.

A strong hot breeze and bushfire season is the worst combination since cookers and YouTube. Every season fireys are left asking each other, who invited “your mate” to this little waterbomber party?

So surely one could be forgiven for thinking a big, dirty easterly is a scourge of this city and should be stopped at all costs? Well, they do have one ally.

Surfers are pretty fond of them. I know, surprise, surprise, a surfer has invited a d-bag to the party. What a shock.

So you can imagine the section of the party an easterly is invited to. A few over-the-hill Scabs surf dudes who start fights at The Lookout, a few bongrat gromms taking aquaturds in the pool and a weird kite surfer who is also into paleo and ice baths.

That’s a horrific corner of the party and one you won’t be venturing over to anytime soon.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?