Mr Personal Trainer

Mike splits his clientele into two mains groups: hot chicks and the rest. If you happen to fall into the latter category expect to have all your life choices smugly judged as he mounts a higher horse than Mr Ed at a special K party.

If you happen to fall into the hot chick category prepare for Mike to mould your soft body with the kind of hands-on approach that would put a disgraced arts teacher to shame. Trust him, he has a certificate.

Admittedly, business has been a little slow and he’s waiting to feast upon the fat of the new year’s resolution heifers that will come stampeding in. So, to kill time between paid appointments he prowls the gym floor looking for opportunities to give unsolicited advice.

He spots a babe with some pretty ordinary sit-up technique. He pops off his trainer shirt revealing a singlet that shows off more nipple than a preggo dog. He swoons over.

The first thing she notices about him is that he smells like he got flushed down a toilet bowl full of Lynx Africa. The second thing she notices is how he just popped up out of nowhere like a 4 am “hey stranger” text from 2014 one night stand.

“Lucky for you, ab workouts are my specialty”. He proceeds to give her a quick human biology lesson as he pulls up his singlet and starts pointing at his own abs to demonstrate which muscle groups he’ll be focusing on. Like a tourist with a jar of Vegemite, he is laying it on a bit thick.

20 minutes into the unpaid session she drops a “boyfriend” bomb, the mere mention of the word makes him recoil in disgust. He decides to wind it up and finally greets the soft body he has left waiting for 15 minutes, “you’re here for the free sesh yeh?”

He secretly loathes these free session parasites but knows the best way to get a little scum moving is to tighten the nozzle and apply some heavy pressure.

Mike spends most of the session implying that the only way to fix the derelict state of the chunkos rig is by signing up immediately to 10 more sessions, “toxic fat and heart problems are killers dude”.

As they part ways, the soft body tells Mike he “will think about it”. Oh, you bet he will, he’ll think about it every time Mike messages and calls him, which will be about three times a day until he signs up.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?