The practice of septum piercing can be traced back to warrior tribes in North America. Which makes the modern wearer “problematic” as they are precisely the sort to accuse you of cultural appropriation for downloading a Kendrick Lamar song. Think that’s hypocritical? Well, deal with it, because the modern wearer also brings tribal aggression into the 21st Century.

Once adorned with the piercing of moral superiority, the piercee will furiously plagiarise shit they heard on Q&A in aggressive social media posts. After all, you can lead the blog-bovine to the waterhole of critical thought, but you can’t make them think.

So the question that now plagues modern society is what came first, the upper-middle class angst or the septum piercing? Although, it’s probably best not to pose such a chicken & egg paradox to a piercee, as they’ll probably grab that egg and throw it at your head to make a powerful statement about someshit. 

One might be fooled into thinking they can avoid these furious fashionistas by staying away from the internet. Wrong. You will also run into them at any University offering social sciences, at your local greens polling booth, at a farm you’re trespassing on or any JB Hi-Fi you choose to visit.

Feel the circular barbell of judgment as you spend your free time indulging your consumerism rather than adding conversational bumper stickers to your 14-year-old Holden Carbon-rina. A juxtaposition that is only slightly less ironic than a “magic happens” sticker on a flogged out Ford Falcon.

Ultimately, the cycle of septum will lead the piercee to embrace their ultimate fate as a Sea Shepherd crew member. Which will inevitably lead to the hypothermia of regret, followed by an unsatisfying bisexual relationship with a freeloader who believes she can talk to dolphins and has dreadlocked pubes.Like Frodo after Bilbo Baggins pegging party, it is at this point that the piercee will decide to give the ring a rest.

Or they will go down a different route and be spotted in various nightclubs raiding your bag. Probably needing extra lines as a fair bit gets stuck on the piercing. Who knows, but their nostrils sure are thirsty. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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