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The Social Golfer

If only Adam had spent half as much on golf lessons as his golfing garbs he wouldn’t spend as much time in the bushes as Ron Jeremy.

Today is the day he is cracking 100, today he’s not cheating, today, he’s not completely losing his shit and slamming his putter into the green. Today he is winning back the trust of his golf buddies. Call him Andy Dufresne because today he is seeking redemption.

Adam rolls up to the Wembley Golf Course and brandishes his new toy, “check this out, Cleveland Black Pearl lob wedge, 62 degrees, will put the ball into the stratosphere”. His mate retorts, “more like, your bla

ck pearl will be wrapped 62 degrees around a tree after you lose it again, ay champ?” Adam had that coming. “Fair crack lads, I’m a changed man, honestly, serenity now”. 

His mates anticipate his first shitfit when he shanks his first drive into the rough. Adam grins and jokes, “you know what they say, does an Adam chip in the woods? Haha”. Could it be possible? Could Adam really be a changed man on the course?

Adam misses a 20cm putt and his face morphs to resemble something that eats its own young. He deploys the emergency parachute of breathing exercises in an attempt to calm himself, “fuken cocksucking ball, AGHHH”. Cracks are forming. 

A few holes later Adam excavates some turf with his 7 Iron and his ball rolls about 20m along the ground. He raises his club like a possessed lumberjack at the Royal Show. These aren’t just cracks forming, these are fault lines in the tectonic plates of his self-control. 

The group know that the old Adam is just one shank away. Yep, there it is, Adam’s drive on the 15th doesn’t even make it to the ladies tee.

“Gotta buy a carton for that mate”, Adam fast approaching a “boomer listening to Greta” level meltdown. He reloads, composes himself, swings and manages to slice it like a drunk tree lopper.

KABOOM. Adam pounds his driver into the grass which consequently causes the head to snap off. He foams and spits as he rants, “fark this, this is fuuuuucked, I farking hate golf, seriously, last time I ever play this stupid dogcarrrrrnt of a game”. 

There he is.