For Tanya, Wednesday Netball is so much more than a game, it’s a chance to relive the glory days of the 3 weeks she played at state level back in 2005 – some say it’s hard to let go. 

She assembles her favourite gal pals and suggests they go onwards towards glory as the “Tinderellas” – because in Netball or in passionate carpark rendezvous, she is used to stopping losers trying to score one through her ring. 

Tanya appoints herself coach and fires off a group message to the Tinderellas, “girls, what do we think of training sessions on Sunday morning and Monday arvo? xoxo”. Two training sessions for D-grade competition? The power no one gave her is going to her head.

Her friends really learn a lot about her during their first game. As soon as the skirt goes on she is transformed into a rabid she-beast with all the grace of a Pterodactyl trying to have a shit in a particularly turbulent aeroplane toilet. 

She feels the faint brush of something rigid against her skin, “Ump! Nail check! Nail check!” Foaming at the mouth she unsuccessfully demands an opposition member be sent off, “are you fuckin’ blind? Those are talons! Good call, shit-for-brains”. Wow Tanya, bit at odds with that “Live, Laugh, Love” banner on your FB. 

Halfway through the first half, she decides to call an emergency time out to dish out some unsolicited advice to her team, “Stephanie, look before you pass you spud!” Strong words coming from the woman responsible for 5 interceptions. 

At halftime, Tanya decides the team needs a hero and she will be playing GS now. Within 10 minutes she has thrown 6 pies and the team has no gravy to show for it. 

Only minutes remain and Tanya she takes a shot that could win the game. Total god damn airball. She screams, “THAT WASN’T 3 FEET UMP!” She turns to her team, “that bitch wasn’t 3 feet, the ump should’ve called it!” They try to ignore the pungent stench of failure they are all now marinating in. 

Maybe it’s the extensive critiques after the game, maybe it’s the fact she “forgets” her match fee each week or maybe her team lacks commitment, but for some reason, she has to beg her Facebook contacts for someone to fill in each week. 

No, don’t blame yourself, Tanya, it’s your team who are wrong.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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