5 key election platforms Pete Evans will probably run on

So, old mate Evans has announced he will run for the senate with Rod Culleton’s The Great Australian Party. Let’s have a sneak peek at the key platforms he’ll probably run on based on his own ramblings:

Pete Evans can’t be sued by the TGA – this is a big one and a key election promise. If elected, he promises to remove the TGA’s power to fine Pete Evans for selling magic light machines that are as useful as a condom at a young liberals convention. 

He seeks to extend this general Evans-protectionism to publishers who decide not to sell whatever book he decides to shit through a printer. 

Deregulate the medical field – Evans has long believed that the medical field is excessively regulated and its so-called “standards” are gatekeeping his followers from being “respected” by “actual doctors”. 

He is eyeing off an emergency naturopathy ward at Fiona Stanley and will seek funding for the first Woo-niversity to specialise in alternative medicines that sound good to him after an ayahuasca bender. 

Hold those bastards at big sunscreen to account – in 2016, Evans came out hard against sunscreen. Clearly, the sun is just misunderstood and if it’s 100% safe to stare at each day then clearly sunscreen is unnecessary. 

He later dialled back his comments but promises to ramp up his war if elected. No Aussie child should go without the heightened risk of melanoma. 

Out with fluoride in with activated bone broth – it’s obvious that fluoride is a neurotoxin that causes people to hold delusional opinions about the credibility of his personal brand. Accordingly, it must be replaced with a viable alternative. 

Anything fluoride can do baby-bone broth can do better. So it goes without saying that our taps should run thick & chunky with the only sustenance a human truly needs. 

Royal Commission into Autism – Evans has always “had some questions” about autism. Not only does he think a paleo diet can prevent it but believes vaccination can cause it. He is baffled that he knows so much about the spectrum and doctors don’t. 

He promises to use as much public resource as possible to get to the bottom of this. No matter how many autists he needs to force-feed t-bones to.