A craft brewery has finally admitted that its absurd chocolate dessert stouts are in fact designed for the sort of men who want a milk shaky treat but have absolutely no business being near ice cream joints or kids in general.
Stouts often incorporate big bold flavours like toffee, caramel, coffee, and of course chocolate in cans that are often well north of 6%. The head brewer at a popular crafty told The Times,
“I think everyone deserves to be reminded of those nostalgic childhood flavours. Even if their very appearance frightens children. This is a chance for these gouty, gaseous men to channel their inner child and comply with the various court orders they probably have”
We spoke to a local stout-whiskers who says he isn’t formally banned from being around children but given his diet of pulled pork and stouts he isn’t welcome at his local play centre anymore. Adding,
“Does making toilets uninhabitable for 25 minutes make me a bad person? Do I not deserve a treat? Well, if I get funny looks and screwed-up faces when I go to get a milkshake I’ll just head to the bottlo where they accept me. Then I’ll get a milkshake that makes me feel nice and good”
We then spoke to the head of the stout society who claimed his people were unfairly discriminated against. Adding,
“Are we insufferable at parties? Yes. Do we crop dust something rotten? Yes but at least we’re not like those hipster freak hop-heads with their ridiculous double IPA nonsense. If your husband doesn’t drink stout then you have a wife! Ha ha ha”
Craft breweries have declared they have no intent on slowing down the production of these devilish cans. Especially when they can charge about $15 for one.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?