Piers Morgan locked Aussies out of English drinks after introducing a biscuit to the circle jerk

Finally, it has been revealed why the Aussies were locked out of the English team’s end-of-game drinks last night. As it turned out, provocateur and gaseous bag of wind, Piers Morgan, decided to really take the pro-Bazball circle jerk to the next level.

A witness at the drinks said Piers was enjoying the pro-English sentiment so much he couldn’t bear the thought of Aussies ruining it. Especially when he took out a Hobnob biscuit and told the boys he had a feeling he was going to lose this one. Before winking wildly. Adding,

“I’d never seen this game played before but the English were well up their own arses. So it was a natural progression. Everyone played with a competitive spirit except Piers. It was like he wasn’t even trying. Some very pitiful strokes from the nursery end”

A source close to Piers told The Times that his effort in the game certainly had nothing to do with the spirit of cricket. Rather he intended to lose. Adding,

“Piers said the forecast was for a soggy session and he needed to be filled with the spirit of bazball. To the brim. He basically had his jaw surgically attached to every player the entire series anyway so it wasn’t a big stretch. Well unless you’re talking about his jaw getting that metaphorical biscuit down”

We spoke to Steve Smith who said that he peered into changing rooms and saw the boys passing around the brand spankin’ ball that helped them to victory as they ruthlessly stroked their own sense of achievement. Metaphorically. He added,

“We saw what was going on and honestly we didn’t want to go in. There were too many shandy’s frothing up. Except from Piers he was nursing a very flat, flaccid beer. I wonder why?”

Witnesses from within the room remain tight-lipped about whether Piers swallowed his prize. Metaphorically, of course.

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