Welcome to Guildford! A swampy paradise situated a touch too close to Midland for many people’s liking. Take a step back in time and enjoy.
1. Stretch those legs
You’ll see quite quickly that Guildford is rather proud of its heritage walking trail but it’s not just about the old timey buildings, it’s actually a warning to avoid driving because it’s a goddamn nightmare.
The intersection of James & Great Eastern is nothing short of heinous, the train causes meltdowns and Guildford Grammar parents don’t give one single shit. With non-stop incompetent 4WD’s clogging it up like a Scotsman’s arteries. No matter what time of day, driving in Guildford is as fun as a prostate exam from Edward Scissorhands.
2. Enjoy the joys of the Dakar Rally at Kings Meadow & Fishmarket Reserve
Now if you want to do a bit of driving, why not head down to Kings Meadow or Fishmarket Reserve to enjoy a rugged dirt trail with plenty of obstacles like speed bumps and ditches – and that’s just the road in!
After you’ve felt like a rally car driver, why not enjoy the expert-mode park BBQs on offer? Oh, think you can just press a button? Wrong, buckeroo, these are wood fired. They really make you work for your snags in Guildford.
3. Yolo off the Guildford Bridge
Feeling youthful? Well, do as the local kids do during the warmer months, and try your luck jumping off Guildford Bridge. Try not to impale yourself on some snag in the river though. It’s pretty murky!
If you’re feeling like going beast mode, you can as one young’n did one year and jump on top of a ferry or other watercraft cruising down. Why? Well, there isn’t a hell of a lot for kids to do down in Guildford so yeah. Ferry jumping it is.
4. Stirling Square
If war time commemorative gates and gateways without surrounding fencing are your thing then buckle in. You’re in for one hell of a ride at Stirling Square. Take in the sights as you enjoy this little oasis between the aggro traffic raging around you.
Make sure you make full use of the public toilet. A beautiful facility that makes you feel like a bushranger awaiting justice after the local lawman caught him pinching sheep. But really, it’s a top-notch toilet.
5. Come crashing to reality after overvaluing your “antiques” wildly
You can’t mention Guildford without mentioning the antique stores. Chock full of wonders from yesterday. So why not drag some of that “antique” shit you claim to own and see if they’ll pay your deluded asking price?
Remember, lesser negotiators would suggest just because it’s old doesn’t mean it’s valuable. Disregard this and demand $2000 for that bike that was in the shed when you bought your house. Just don’t lock it up on old mate’s fence! (IYKYK).
6. Close your eyes and dream that you’re in Merredin
Speaking of the old timey feel. Guildford recently won the converted “most likely to be confused with Merredin” award. Not only does Guildford have a working train but also a town hall and a heritage aesthetic that is bursting with quaintness like a twee-boil ready to ooze charm. In a good way!
7. Take in the serenity
Ah, hear that? Yeah, it’s another go damn plane fkn up your little moment of serenity as you destroy your new pair of shoes walking around the swampy wonderland that is Guildford.
Of course, a natural Guildfordian has probably developed a thick callus to their ear meaning they can no longer hear the nuisance. You won’t be so lucky but hey, at least you’re close to the airport if you get run out of town for sleeping with the local blacksmith’s daughter! Or whatever goes on in Guildford.
8. Pickle yourself
Guildford has 4 pubs and 0 shopping centres. That should give you an idea of the priorities of the residents. Naturally, the pubs all have a heritage charm with more modern beer gardens. Meaning, Guildford is a fantastic place to get steaming.
If you’re lucky, a busload of Swan Valley’s finest wine tour drunks will join you in your festivities. At least they’ll make you look like the posterchild of RSA.
9. Gripe like an old boy
Guildford Grammar went coed? What in the PSA! Well, what’s good for the coin-purses isn’t always good for the old boy’s sense of societal norms! Bemoan progress with the old GGS alumni and talk about how school was much better when boys received 0 female socialisation other than an awkward dinner dance every year.
Then pay your respect to the Aquatic Jeep they keep there. It was driven by a block called Benny C who circumvented the world in it. Perhaps the only answer to Perth’s horrendous drainage problems every winter.
10. Enjoy a big sip of Hills-juice (Helena)
Most people in Perth have access to a refreshing glass of Swan or Canning juice to start their days but in Guildford, they also have access to the sweet Hill dweller juice from the Helena River.
Yeah, you read that right. The Helena & Swan River meet in Guildford. That should awaken your inner hydrologist and have a whale of a time seeing these two vital water systems dance a moist tango together. Drink up.
11. Join the boomer v smash patty burger fight at Alfreds
Alfred’s Diner is an institution. Known for big burgers and pea & ham soup. However, did you know it was also a regular source of conflict amongst burger snobs? Those who have decided to worship at the altar of the American smash burger don’t see much place for a big old school burg no more.
On the contrary, Gen X doesn’t embrace change so easily and flies the flag of the “rissole” burger. So go and post a photo on any burger (or Foodie group in general) and prepare to defend your position. Arguing with bozos on the internet, how FUN.
12. Live like an elite with a game of polo
What? polo in the eastern suburbs? Most people probably assume the only polo Perth sees is the western burbs wankerfest at Langley Park. Well, there ya go. So why not train your polo skills so you can attend the wankerfest and cream a Golden Triangle elite in the noggin with a well timed shot?
You know you want to.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
