The Staffy Owner 

Years ago, Lexan had a child-shaped hole in his life after successfully convincing his baby mumma that he shouldn’t have much to do with the raising of their boganling. So he became the kind of father he can be proud of – a staffy dad. 

No one could doubt his commitment to the animal after he raised the funds to afford it by selling his most prized possession – a flogged-out 2003 Ford Falcon complete with limited edition seat covers and a yellow sticker.

He purchased the dog and even had some money left over for a dog collar that looked exactly like the big tacky gold plated chain around his fat neck. They say dogs come to look like their owners but thanks to his genetics Lexan already had a formidable head start. 

From the day he bought his little angel Gnasher they were inseparable. A lesson the vet learned when he took him in for a little check-up. 3 Woodies deep, Lexan made things very clear, “yous touch little mate’s balls and I’ll touch you, they stay on, got it ya pal?”

Eventually, Lexan did bow to public pressure to have the dog fixed but not before the little feller ran an all-you-can-hump train on every dog in his area. 

He remembers a particular incident fondly when Gnasher’s red rocket was on display for the entire Kwinana dog walking community to see. It made a real go of creating a couple of Shih Tzu crosses much to the dismay of the owner. 

Not that Lexan cared, cheering Gnasher on as he told the Shih Tzu owner that the little rat dog was getting some real dog dick. Unsurprisingly, most walks ended up with Lexan locked into mortal cuntbat with another dog owner. Especially given Lexan didn’t believe in leashes. 

No one blamed Gnasher for his doggeminine wiles and in reality, they thought that it was Lexan who would be better suited to a leash. Alas, to date, no level of authority has been able to control Lexan. It’s just the way he is. 

At home, Lexan also ran a pretty loose doggy discipline regime. First things first, Lexan always sleeps on his bed. Which naturally leads to some romantic troubles. Especially given the combined high meat diet of the two making the bedroom smell like a Pilbara portaloo on a 45-degree day. 

Such a disaster occurred just last night after Lexon brought back a scaly old outer suburban cougar to his love nest. She asked if he could put Gnasher outside for the 5 minutes she anticipated it would take him to rock her world. Lexan told the woman,

“Yeah nah luv, the dog stays orright! He loves watching his da da on the tools on the ol work bench ha ha. See how a real man does it ay boy”

When he wasn’t being a weirdo on his Jack Daniel bedspread he was sitting out the front waiting for AusPost contractors to come. He trained his hound perfectly to get up in the face of anyone that comes near his gate. 

Generally, he’ll watch and laugh for about 5 seconds before calling Gnasher off. Then he’d typically call the delivery guy a massive puss and ask him if his dacks are full of shit. Finally, he’d reward Gnasher for being a good boy with a generous scoop of the can of Big Eat he was smashing with a slightly oversized spoon. 

And to end each night, Lexan would indulge in his favourite activity. Posting photos of Gnasher in Facebook comment sections whether the context called for it or not. On’ya Lexan. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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