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Ms WA Country Girl

Tash is a hard rootin’, straight shootin’ Pilbara princess. In true form, after one too many Bundys & Coke at last year’s Newman Races, she got stuffed with more mystery meats than a Miss Mac’s pie.

She is pretty sure most of the blokes she brought back to her Ute tray wore a dinger, but obviously one of the RM William’s Longhorns broke through its latex sheath. Long story short, after yee-whoring on the buckin’ bull of misfortune, Tash has a kid.

She’d know if it was one of her hometown cowboys given they all sported the big ears of an uncomfortably close genetic pool, or “snags” as they’re called, as they are usually inbred.

No, her child had a head like a smashed crab, it could mean only one thing: she was impregnated by the Irish FIFO bloke that she met after winning the wet t-shirt competition. Or maybe it was one of his friends?

She was closing in on her baby’ daddy as she had caught up with quite a few suspects and eliminated them from the possible paternal pool based on mismatching facial features, in other words, it was a shameful game of Guess Who? So it was off to Perth to check out ol’ Paddy.

Tash hops in her V8 Ford Ute that looks like a Booze Buses wet dream: huge antennas, novelty mud flaps and an excessive number of bumper stickers saying shit like, “Ride Me Like You Stole Me”, “Her Ute” and “No Undies Mundie to Sundie”.

As a kid, Tash heard stories of the infamous Ocean Beach Hotel: a mecca for cowboys, backpackers and toothless simpletons. It seemed fitting to meet Paddy there and oh boy she can’t wait to see the look on his Irish mug when he rocks up for a root and is confronted with a drooling potato of responsibility.

“Aw fook, you’ve gone and got knoooocked up and all like, I nay hittin it now luv”. Tash doesn’t even speak English that well, let alone whatever the hell that just was. “Look, Paddy, fair dinkum I reckon you squirted one up me guts”.

Paddy looks confused, “the foook ya on about woman? Have a look at the wee one, see?” Tash looks confused, “typical, happy to dick me, but don’t wanna stick with me, you pig!”

“For the love of Christ women, it cant be mine like, the kids darker than a pint of Guiness.”

Tash is hit with a eureka moment, “ken oath you’re right, must’ve been that Brazillian backpacker lad, Jose then, cheers cob I owe you a beer”.