Pizza
You’re a finger-licking grub that dives his disgusting, saliva-ridden paw back into the box to grab more. You’re the exact type of greasy piece of shit to watch the box like a hawk so you can send the remaining matter down your gullet at the end. Just how mama used to do it.
BBQ
You’re a proud member of the old guard who flat-out refuses to try any of the other flavours and would happily launch your garden chair across the glass outdoor setting if someone questioned the supremacy of your beloved BBQ. You’re in a constant rage about the slowly disappearing seasoning.
Chicken Crimpy
You’re a believer in being ribbed for pleasure. You take your time like a generous lover on the thinking man’s Shape. Despite the box weighing the same you are pretty confident you are getting more as you guide each dual cab-sized biscuit into the garage of your gluttonous hole.
Savoury
You’re a plain Jane-type operator who considers taking their socks off during a dry root to be a bit of a thrill. You’re the personification of a ripping work-related chat at Friday afternoon drinks at a mid-tier accounting firm. Live a little.
Cheddar
You bring half-arsed platters to social events and wonder why no one ever talks about your creations with the kind of respect a Cob-boss gets. After a heavy arvo on the Cheddars you develop a sadness in your eyes as the waft from your fingers reminds you of why you no longer date anyone from Rockingham.
Cheese & Bacon
You are single-handedly responsible for enabling Domino’s to pump out abominations like cheeseburger pizzas. You really don’t give a shit what goes into your mouth because you haven’t felt anything in about 20 years – forever hoping the next novelty flavoured crap you buy finally sparks some taste in you.
Nacho Cheese
What can be said about you that hasn’t been said about a bowel-irritating plate of dodgy Tex Mex? Cheesy, unwelcome at parties and generally just not right. Nevertheless, you’ll never stop trying to force your little fiestas on BBQs, picnics and footy games.
Vegemite
You won’t be happy until the Vegemite brand has been flogged to death and forced on every consumable item in the Woolworths bargain bin. Saying that, you are patriotic and that counts for something. Just try not to punch people in the back of the head on Australia Day, big slugger.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
