A Day In The Life Of A Jetstar Passenger

4:30 am – running late for me flight because I’m trying to force all 3 long necks of Woodstock down me gullet. Get the boy to help. He’s 14 but he’s thirsty.

5:15 am – spend the Uber ride trying to guess what country the driver came from out loud. Settle on India. He says he’s not from India. I disagree.

5:55 am – scream at the family as we run through the airport. Get dangerously close to getting arrested at baggage check-in over one of me trademark airport bomb jokes. They show mercy on me.

6:15 am – tell the security maggots in no unclear terms that I ain’t taking the sunnies off the back of my neck. Eventually do it after several come to “deal with me” but my point has already been made. Staunched ‘em.

6:25 am – let the misso deal with the aftermath of me slipping a few cans into her bag. Force as many pints as I can down before being told the flight is cancelled. Gotta do it all again tomorrow.

6:50 am (the next day) – flight cancelled. Threaten to go “king kong” on the airport and get told we can jump on the arvo flight. Get the kids to guard the bags while me and the old lady go and consummate in the shitter.

6:55 – 2:30 pm – put in some very decent groundwork for getting the plane turned around. So pissed that I don’t hear the boarding call. Wait until we get the special announcement over the PA. Feel like rockstars and that.

3:10 pm – plane finally takes off. Seat belt light is on but I get up to take a shit anyway. Threaten anyone who stands in my way with total decimation. Get a stern warning that they’ll have me arrested. Sit down, for now.

3:50 pm – get stuck into the piss. HARD. Boot the chair in front of me for reclining a little bit. He asked me if I want to go. Of farking course I do but I really want to get to Bali. So decline the offer. For now.

4:30 pm – I am informed I’ve been cut off after starting an Aussie Aussie Aussie chant. I tell them that I can’t just stop now or I’ll feel like shit when I get to Bali. They choose a hardline approach with me. Big mistake.

4:35 pm – I take that weak dog up on his previous offer and cause a mid-air scene. After several burly gents subdue me I am informed I’m under arrest and the plane will have to turn around. I am booed by the other passengers.

4:45 pm – I somewhat regrettably spit on an authority figure of some type. He’s extra rough with me as a result. I tell him I’m going to A Current Affair.

5:50 pm – after spending a solid hour being told to shut up I am finally back on Perth soil. Misso is embarrassed but kinda turned on her man is such a bad boy. I tell the law boys to save it, this ain’t my first rodeo.

9:30 pm – considered too drunk. I am to be detained until the morning. Tell the wife to take some of the kid’s shit down to Cash Convertors tomorrow so we can try again. They weren’t getting anywhere with those guitars anyway.

10:00 pm – keep calling me boy Jimmy Hendrix as he cries over the plan to sell his guitar ha ha. Letting the resentment grow early. Noice.

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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?