A Guide to Modern Food Wankery

1. Only Visit Places from Online Lists

The only eateries that are worth your time are ones gaining critical acclaim (i.e. paid to be featured). Now, even though you only dine at places from such lists, you will most certainly tell people you discovered them before they were published as you have an insatiable #hungerlust.

2. Did They Just Assume Your Diet?

It’s 2017 and in no way is acceptable to just drop a menu on someone’s table and just walk away. In the snowflake generation the waiter is required to painstakingly answer all your questions to cater for whatever food fad you have decided to follow today. 

3. Photograph TRENDING Food

You are definitely not like every other shutter-fuck with a $2k Canon. Oh no, your food pics are miles ahead because you follow a little thing called trending foods sweetie. Can you believe that culinary cave-Orc just uploaded a picture of a Nutella doughnut? Um that is sooooo 1/7/2017 – 6/7/2017 mate.

4. One Upping 

So what if a rival foodie found the best gyozas in Perth, you had the best in Japan, served to you by the best chef, in a 2 person restaurant in the bathroom of a samurai sword maker. It is important to always have a story ready from your culinary tour of the world to shit all over the under-cooked anecdotes of your so called “friends”. 

5. Review Harshly 

The cornerstone of any amateur foodies review is that compliments show weakness. Even Heston could cut you an apple and you’d still complain it was just too… appley. Be harsh, after all you set the standard to which all chefs strive.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?