Before social media, the only way a person would know you were in a relationship would be by “actually knowing you”. Thankfully, social media allows you to rub the nose of any irrelevant dickhead in your life in the piss puddle of your love.
Facebook’s “relationship status” is fine for the plain old vanilla slice shortbread couples, but Chontay & Jayden are more significant to the world. Accordingly, Chontay double dips, and before updating her relationship status, she first posts a professionally taken shot of the pair:
“1.09.2020 two hearts became one. He took me out for Gelare (full price :P) and already knew my exact coffee order. Like a REAL KING he got down on one knee and asked me whether I would be his significant other 😛 😛 😛 THIS QUEEN SAID YES! #love #loveislove #swolemate #hotcouple #2hearts1soul”
Jesus did someone order a lemonade because Jay Z and Beyonce are in the house! The gaping hole of narcissistic emptiness in their personalities is filled with a mighty rush of likes, comments and reacts. Sweet validation.
The first few months of their relationship plays out across social media in a flurry of cringey selfies and sweet nothings that they’d never bother saying to each other in real life. Jayden is no slouch when it comes to soppy limp-dickery and lands a wet fish right on her wall,
“Babe, every day I strive to be an entrepreneur, a king worthy of your hand my queen. I woke up, and you’d left for work again, I will never get used to the cold side of your bed babe #xxx”
Then get a job, fuckhead.
Nevertheless, his excessive slop satisfies her in a way the microwaved sausage roll he calls a penis never could. Chontay’s girlfriends swoop in with comments like, “awww so sweet”, “you guys are the cutest”, “GOALS”. Whereas Jayden’s mates punch holes through their laptop screens while vocalising obscenities.
Of course, behind the scenes, things are as tense as when O.J’s new girlfriend criticises his turkey carving technique at Christmas. The pair constantly fights about the attention they respectively receive on social media.
Chontay explodes after a couples gym photoshoot and accuses her king of dipping his quill in the ink of infidelity. Jayden snaps back and tells her that 90% of her followers are just thirsty guys and her brand is useless. Chontay then lands the deathblow and asks how a “CEO, dreamer & boss” can never afford his own festival ticket.
After the exchange, they pretty much fucking hate each other. So Chontay posts a gift basket from her king (that she actually bought for herself) with a rambling caption about how lovers fight, but more importantly, that lovers heal.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?