A Guide to the Bonds Baby Search

1. Why enter?

Thousands of full-time mummies enter their bubs into this infantile “hot or not” competition in the hope they will be able to live off their winning baby’s modelling money. For other mummies it’s a way to rekindle their love of forcing baby photos on uninterested FB contacts, just imagine the pure exhilaration of forcing an entire NATION of uninterested people to look at your drooling crotch potato.

2. Photoshoot 

For most of us, the ideal looking baby is one that looks like it’s going to shut the fuck up and sleep in cafes, planes and waiting rooms. Unfortunately, the judges are looking for squealers with more sauce over their face than a forkless drunk on his second halal snack pack. If filth isn’t your thing then take a bath shot! Posing half nude in water is an excellent way to get your bub used to their future life as an Instagram model. 

3. Getting Votes

Friends, family and ex-work colleagues, these are the three demons you must slay if you want to win the Bonds Baby Search. Begin the dance of desperation subtly by tagging everyone you know in your thrice daily “vote for my baby” posts and if they don’t respond immediately inbox them incessantly like a multi-level marketer with a mortgage repayment due. Remember, the road to a $600 Bonds gift voucher is paved with broken relationships. 

4. Coming to grips with your loss 

There is no honour in a gracious defeat. Upon hearing your little shit machine didn’t win you should immediately start talking shit about how disgustingly ugly the winner is and how the entire contest is rigged. Fuck it, don’t stop there, alert A Current Affair, start a petition and send threats to the winning fuggo’s mother, basically go full queen girl.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?