Travel insurance, next week’s rent and your debts. These are the demons that you must slay to be able to free up some cash for Bali. Think of a trip to Bali like a responsibility-vortex and drive yourself deep into the red by purchasing novelty t-shirts, jet ski rides and your third ‘Straya themed tattoo.
Run into financial strife due to an ash-cloud? Don’t worry, just blame everyone else in a series of aggressive Facebook complaints.
The Party Starts at Perth International
It is your right as an Australian traveller to get morning-drunk at an airport of your choosing. Imagine the horror of landing at Denpasar Airport sober. Fuck that, the Jack & Coke stubby is the Olympic torch of the weekend warrior. Brandish it with pride.
On the plane, switch it up to tinnies and start an Aussie, Aussie, Aussie chant. People love that. Oh, and extra points if you are dragged off the plane swinging hooks and detained in an airport holding cell, aka the North Rockingham Duxton.
You swear that last time you went to Bali your jocks resembled a melted tub of chockie ice-cream because the Balinese have no hygiene standards. It has nothing to do with the 30 Bintangs and mushie shakes you smash each night. No sir. Best to stick to your thrice daily delivered Maccas.
If you are feeling adventurous, you should seek out some native Kuta cuisine: a ham & cheese sanga or the exotic chicken parmi. After all, these people should cater for your pleb-diet, boss.
Location, Location, Location
The only thing worse than being a Kuta person is being a Kuta person who thinks they are spiritually enlightened because they stay 20 minutes away in Seminyak or Canggu. Frankly, Kuta has become the white bread & caged eggs of Bali.
If Instagramming is your game, check out Ubud and act like a week of stretching makes up for the wine & pinga fueled hell you put your body through each weekend in Perth.
Bad Boy Photo Shoot
Bali is a one-stop shop for convincing people you’re hard AF and connected. No one will fuck with you once you get a few more tough-oos added to your discount sleeve. To complete the baller look, raid the local market for some “designer” sunnies, “Swiss” watch and “Gucci” bum bag – how’s that, the 1%’er look for 1% of the cost. Bad man ting.
You know what is shit about Perth? Drink driving laws. What killjoys. Not to fear, riding a scooter while as pickled as a Russian hobo is all the rage.
Are you into nature and shit? Well go and pose with a stupefied Tiger because your Bumble profile pic is badly in need of an update. Not keen on animal exploitation? Exploit the Balinese instead! Their local cabbies will call you “boss” no matter how much shit you hurl at them. Remember, you are an insignificant piece of smegma back home, so this is your chance to feel like a big man.
Party so hard that the next day you need electrolytes, water and consular assistance. Causing an international incident is a rite of passage for a young Perth kid.
Remember, if you get into trouble for buying bags, it is NOT your fault. It’s 100% the fault of the corrupt Balinese police. So, snort up that paracetamol and have a good time.
Natural Disaster Selfie
If you are lucky, Mount Agung will chuck a tanty while you’re over there and spew down molten misfortune on Balinese homes & livelihoods.
What’s the upside? Your Instagram of course. Pose in an infinity pool while Mount Agung strikes legitimate fear into the locals’ hearts. Combine with a caption about the awesomeness of nature – and evidently, your fake tits.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?