9 Essential Tips For Making a Pig Of Yourself In Bali

Budgeting  – Travel insurance, next week’s rent and your debts. These are the demons that you must slay to be able to free up some cash for Bali. Think of a trip to Bali like a responsibility-vortex and drive yourself deep into the red by purchasing novelty t-shirts, jet ski rides and your third ‘Straya themed tattoo.

Run into financial strife due to an ash-cloud? Don’t worry, just blame everyone else in a series of aggressive Facebook complaints. 

The Party Starts at Perth International  – It is your right as an Australian traveller to get morning-drunk at an airport of your choosing. Imagine the horror of landing at Denpasar Airport sober. Fark that, the Jack & Coke stubby is the Olympic torch of the weekend warrior. Brandish it with pride.

On the plane, switch it up to tinnies and start an Aussie, Aussie, Aussie chant. People love that. Oh, and extra points if you are dragged off the plane swinging hooks and detained in an airport holding cell, aka the North Rockingham Duxton.

Cuisine – You swear that last time you went to Bali your jocks resembled a melted tub of chockie ice-cream because the Balinese have no hygiene standards. It has nothing to do with the 30 Bintangs and mushie shakes you smash each night. No sir. Best to stick to your thrice daily delivered Maccas.

If you are feeling adventurous, you should seek out some native Kuta cuisine: a ham & cheese sanga or the exotic chicken parmi. After all, these people should cater for your pleb-diet, boss.

Location, Location, Location – The only thing worse than being a Kuta person is being a Kuta person who thinks they are spiritually enlightened because they stay 20 minutes away in Seminyak or Canggu. Frankly, Kuta has become the white bread & caged eggs of Bali.

If Instagramming is your game, check out Ubud and act like a week of stretching makes up for the wine & pinga fueled hell you put your body through each weekend in Perth.

Exploit, exploit, exploit – to some poverty is sad but to you it’s an opportunity to gain social media clout for posting your so-called charitable acts to TikTok. Win-win!

Make sure the little beggar gets the right look of despair in their face though. Or you’ll have to make them do it again and again. After all, they are going to have to work for that $10 AUD. More on the process HERE.

Embrace your inner Rhonda – speaking of making the locals *really* work for their money, how about indulging your inner Rhonda fantasy and getting a young Balinese surfer boy descale your pig trotters for a bit of your rich white woman cash?

Don’t worry, they have their whole life to try and erase the memories while you probably only have a good 20 years left of creating those traumatic memories! Espeically the way you devour those beach satay sticks! More on this woman HERE.

Bad Boy Photo Shoot -Bali is a one-stop shop for convincing people you’re hard AF and connected. No one will mess with you once you get a few more tough-oos added to your discount sleeve.

To complete the baller look, raid the local market for some “designer” sunnies, “Swiss” watch and “Gucci” bumbag – how’s that, the 1%’er look for 1% of the cost. Bad man ting. More on Ms Canggu HERE.

Night Life -Party so hard that the next day you need electrolytes, water and consular assistance. Causing an international incident is a rite of passage for a young Perth kid. 

Remember, if you get into trouble for buying bags, it is NOT your fault. It’s 100% the fault of the corrupt Balinese police. So, snort up that paracetamol and have a good time. Party like this guy HERE.

Natural Disaster Selfie – If you are lucky, Mount Agung will chuck a tanty while you’re over there and spew down molten misfortune on Balinese homes & livelihoods.

What’s the upside? Your Instagram of course. Pose in an infinity pool while Mount Agung strikes legitimate fear into the locals’ hearts. Combine with a caption about the awesomeness of nature – and evidently, your fake tids.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?