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A Guide to Work Christmas Parties

Alcohol Consumption 

When it comes to smashing open bars, Australians are too preoccupied about whether they can, rather than whether they should.

Statistically, someone is going to put the HiLux of drunken idiocy through the living room of their career, so be a pillar of refreshed restraint and let someone else wake up in a cocoon of shame and self-loathing. 

Shit Conversations 

Alcohol has an amazing way of evacuating all the shit from the conversational colon. The receptionist’s half-baked dreams of starting her own lashes business, the office tool-bag’s cryptocurrency portfolio or your bosses awkward attempt to appear “human” after making the brave decision to “freeze” all pay rises this year.

Oh, and it’s almost guaranteed you’ll get stuck talking to a coworker’s significant other who has the personality of a piss-soaked mattress on a Mandurah verge collection. 

Even Shittier Gifts 

Feeling glum about that pay freeze? Never fear, your dropkick boss has also decided to replace the monetary Chrissy bonus with a gift basket filled with more unwanted garbage than the combined gene pools of the Collingwood supporter base.

The free gifts are so heinous that even Lisa Scafiddi would turn them down: knock off chocolates, cheap wine and if you’re lucky a fucking non-biodegradable Lions Fruit Cake. 

Dancing

A dance floor will probably breakout so prepare yourself. Sure, at the paramount you like to drop it like it’s hotter than a Pilbara seatbelt buckle but this is your work crowd.

Similarly, boys, you’re a co-worker, not a coffee, so there really isn’t a need for grinding. Just stick to the sad, miserable rhythm of the HR-approved two-step. 

Acknowledgements & Speeches 

According to the motivational posters around the workplace, everyone is a star, unfortunately, you tend to be one of those fading dead ones.

You know damn well your 65% Monday attendance rate isn’t going to get you a nod in the speeches. Even worse is if your workplace dishes out “work awards” like, “best dressed”, “most in need of a coffee” (LOLOLOL) or “most insufferable dullard likely to bore everyone with their new dietary & fitness bullshit”, you know, some shit like that.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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