The Office Admin Worker

If the squeaky wheel gets the oil then Christine sounds like a jockey at a helium party. She has maintained her administrative authority via a campaign of terror over her colleagues. For Christine knows the HR complaint is mightier than the sword.

Despite being employed for over 20 years, Christine has not taken on a single extra responsibility from the day she started. This commitment to the bare minimum was forged in the fires of bogus medical certificates, Fair Work threats and a religious adherence to the black letter of her job description. 

In short, she won’t do a single thing for you unless refusal to do so will lead to a legal termination of her employment. every admin worker must live by a code. 

Accordingly, Christine finds herself with plenty of time around the office to engage in her favourite activities – making the bathroom look like an abattoir with an outbreak of gastro and, of course, meddling in people’s shit. 

For the past week, Christine has been keeping tabs on a colleague’s break times because said colleague dared to ask her for some help photocopying a month ago. If her calculations are correct, this lady is averaging a 33.5minute break. Not on her administrative watch. 

Today is the day she crushes this bitch. She waits for this problem-employee to leave for lunch and swiftly zooms into the HR managers office.

She demands action be taken because such egregious lunching isn’t fair on the rest of them. Nor is spending 3 hours a day on Suduko puzzles, Christine. 

Nevertheless, HR knows the quickest way to shut her up is to take the complaint seriously. On the rogue employee is called into the office and reprimanded. Christine grins menacingly as she savours the view of the semi-public flagellation through the glass. 

When the employee walks out, Christine flexes her might, “I like to set a timer on my phone, just so I dont take too long on my break, sweetie”. That will teach you to politely ask Christine to lend a hand when she’s looking at cat memes and drinking Diet Coke. 

Speaking of lending a hand, an important deadline is looming and there is a real “all hands on deck” feel around the office. Christine feels the grim spectre of effort looming over her day.

Not to worry, she conveniently has that back issue flaring up. She begins the dramatic dance of dishonesty with loud yelps and visible grimaces as she tries to pick up a lever arch folder. 

Her acting gains her yet another Oscar in the category of job dodging mastery. She keeps up the act all the way to the free taxi ride she scored. She gets home and decides her heroics today entitle her to an early wine-o-clock. 

Several Savvy B’s down, she jumps on Facebook and starts writing strongly-worded, passive-aggressive statuses about the way some of her colleagues looked at her when she was struck down with such a serious chronic back injury. 

Similarly, minded oxygen thieves chime in and urge her to make a complaint. How dare they see through her charade of bullshit. Christine doesn’t need her arm twisted that’s for sure and begins drafting her complaint. 

Christ, if she spent half as much time working as she did ruining people’s lives, she’d be employee of the month. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?