Being a workplace snitch

Were you born a professional humpback? Has nature been so cruel to stunt your natural charms & aptitude forcing you to lurk in the shadows of more gifted employees? Well, snitching might be right up your alley.

There is a school of ineffective thought that suggests the way to get ahead isn’t to pull yourself up, but rather, drag others down – the same result, but a shitload easier. When presented with a mountain, isn’t it easier to blow a hole in it than climb it?

A good snitch knows the secret to their success is maintaining a pleasant veneer of superficiality. It is imperative that your coworkers never find out that you are running off to the boss and regurgitating the day’s events like a mother bird with a mouth full of snitchy worms. Trust is essential to abusing other people’s trust.

Start off small, tell the boss about a coworker venting their frustration in confidence, or perhaps you were invited for a cheeky pint at lunch – don’t go, just snitch. Remember to lull your coworkers into a false sense of security by promising them that any other day you’d “be there in a second”. 

It’s vital that you cover your tracks. Any good snitch knows they have to execute masterful bait & switch plays to ensure their filthy secret is kept. For example, after snitching, go and tell the subjects or your doggery that you overhead someone else selling them down the river.

This is the kind of totally normal, sane behaviour that will see you progress the corporate ladder provided you continue to value the occasion head pat by a superior over respect of your peers. 

Sure, the boss will see you as a snivelling little dickworm with the moral fibre of a piece of dog shit, but you’re a piece of dog shit that helps the boss deny pay rises and the like. Thus, you are invaluable to corporate Australia.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?