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Boss wonders if staff are paid enough after left over food email causes near-fatal stampede

A Perth boss is pondering whether his staff members are paid adequately after hearing the news that several grad-position staff members were injured during a stampede this morning after an email went out informing everyone there were leftover sandwiches and cakes in the kitchenette.

At approximately 11:05 am, office manager Beth was informed by a senior associate that a meeting had finished. When she went to clear the boardroom she noticed the abundance of snacks left over. She returned to her desk and at 11:10 am, she alerted all staff to the bounty.

An admin lady who had already gorged on a lovely container of dried apricots watched the tragedy unfold. She told The Times,

“As soon as the email hit inboxes, they were up and about! All the young grads were first but the slower rusted on fatsos weren’t far behind them. It was just too many people trying to enter the kitchenette at once!”

We spoke to Jenny who, while thankful for the opportunity, is finding her entry-level $30,000 salary to be a little inadequate. She sprained her ankle in the rush,

“I just couldn’t handle trying to enjoy my 7th serving of spag bog for the week. Last time there was food left over they had smoked salmon & cream cheese bagels I just had to get there first. I paid the price for having a dream but at least I got half a bagel”

Similarly, young Matt who hasn’t quite reached his fighting weight was pounded into the door frame after colliding with a rotund middle manager whose wife has him on a diet. He told The Times,

“It all happened in slow motion. You could tell he had his eyes on the half BLT baguette. It was the crown jewel on the platter. Please help me I just paid my electricity bill and I’m so hungry”

The boss has accessed the remuneration packages of his staff and has drawn the conclusion that they are simply greedy. Adding,

“When I was a young buck I survived off nothing but corned beef and boiled cabbage! You didn’t see me complaining. Mum would feed all 20 of us for $5 and we’d be grateful! All damage to the kitchenette caused by the stampede will be coming directly out of their X-Mas bonus”

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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