Eliza is a 2.2m statue that was commissioned by the City of Perth to commemorate the Crawley Baths – back when bobbing around like bull shark bait and smelling like Satan’s septic tank was all the rage. Boomers didn’t need iPads, you see.

She was erected in 2007 and it didn’t take long for Eliza to become the canvass that local UWA students would splash their banter over. In the form of costumes, of course, because wacky costumes to UWA social club members is like oxygen to normal humans. They need it.

Normal citizens will never experience the rush of walking into “Tavology 101” at “beer o’clock” and be hailed a hero by all the other UWA pencildicks whose parents have finally let them drink alcohol. Lords.

Of course, it’s not just local students that have a crack at dressing Eliza. It’s also slacktivists who haven’t got a house on High St in Freo and need a place to plaster their political opinions for the world to see. After all, you know what they say – you haven’t truly made a difference until hundreds of disinterested richcunts drive past and ignore your provocative thoughts.

Every now and then someone does nail the brief. For example, dragging a bike up there for the Tour de France or the recent effort to lampoon and taunt toilet paper hoarders. Some days, you just have to admire the effort – presumably aided by watercraft but you’d have to expect a few people are getting wet.

Unfortunately, Eliza does pose some risk to society. She forms part of the Mounts Bay Road distraction belt cougar’s jogging, Eliza and then the queue of photographers waiting to get their own digital slice of the Blue Boathouse pie. Oh, and of course Perf’s most hard-working public servant – the Mounts Bay Road speed camera (voted top public servant in 2020).

Anyone who has driven in Perth knows we do not need extra distractions – so squinting to read a sign on Eliza creates an all you can rear-end buffet – and Perf is always hungry for more. 

While the costumes aren’t always knee-slappers it is fun to remember that someone in the City of Perth has to monitor what she’s wearing to avoid offending the perpetually offended. In some small way, that’s a minor payback for them blowing $1,000,000 a year on catering at their headquarters.

Sort of.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?